Moans and Groans

Jen never fails to surprise me. She always always always has something new up her sleeve. i never know which of her plans will push through and which ones will pop up. Dynamic doesn’t even begin to describe her. From her Las Vegas travels to her trip to Ohio. To her moving from one state to another. Next thing I know she’s asking me about Europe. WHAT? Where did that come from? Apparently she wants to move back to Manila but Eric is not sold on the idea so she wants to compromise by moving to Europe. Wow…hahaha.

(With music from The King and I)

“Whenever I feel afraid,

I whistle a happy tune…”

Yup, I was whistling a whole lot last Thursday. I had a meeting with the company CEO the next day and I was beyond nervous. I really hadnothing to worry about. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do behind the scenes and on the stage. I’ve kept everything that’s supposed to be kept, I’ve said everything (well almost everything) that’s supposed to be said. I shouldn’t be nervous. But NO…I was nervous.

I hate going to meetings unprepared, specially if these meetings are with the company CEO who I only get to really talk to around once or twice a year. The problem is, this CEO rarely gives an agenda for our meetings, and when he does…you only stick to it for around 5 minutes.

It’s vital to be ready for anything and everything.

“Just for him!
Though the man may be
My Lord and Master,
Though he may study me
As hard as he can,
The smile beneath my smile
He’ll never see “

He told me he was very pleased with something I recently did. I said thank you but my face remained blank. He stared at me for a really long time trying to decipher what I’m really thinking and feeling. I was inwardly rolling my eyes. There’s no way he will be able to tell what’s really going on in my head. I have mastered the blank expression I use in meetings. I only show emotions I want to show….nope, there are practically no slips here. Ruy can attest to how good I am with my blank and stoic emotions.

Some might wonder why I choose to keep my expression stoic when the statement was good….because it can’t always be good. If he sees how I react to a good statement and compares to how I would react to a negative comment…then I become too transparent…and that’s not good. I loose my calm and logical demeanor. I like hearing everything he has to say first…then stewing over things for days and weeks…before I show emotions.

3 days after the meeting…I’m softly whistling another happy tune. *sigh* This is tough.

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows,
I’m afraid.

I have made decisions extremely important to companies. I have given and taken employment. I have negotiated and saved the company hundreds of thousands in pesos.

You would think this would qualify me as an adult.  I realize that this is not the case.

I saw my mom 3 days in a row last week. This is unnatural…this hasn’t happened in over 2 years.  I saw how I seem to regress back to childhood when I’m with my family. My mom would automatically cover for my responsibilities and try to iron out kinks for me.

I wanted to schedule an ultrasound for myself but the sonologist said there was no more slot. My mom called them and got me a schedule.  I wanted to know about acne treatments, my mom calls her friend who is a derma and hooks me up. My aircon gets busted my mom negotiates.

It’s comforting to have this…although I’m glad it only happens occassionally.

I feel stumped, I’ll be attending my nth bridal shower and I seriously don’t know what to give anymore. I feel like everything I’ve been giving is too cliche. In the past I would either give naughty toys, bridal lingerie, copy of the Kama Sutra, or a book on marriage for those who are a bit conservative. What does one give during these times anyway?

Does one every end up actually completing one’s home? It seems that our house has been in a constant state of finishing for the past couple of months. We’ve been doing so many things yet it’s still not completed!! We still have SOOOO many things to do.

First we have no storage. Next we have nowhere to hang our clothes. We also don’t have curtains or curtain rods. We also don’t have Andrea’s cabinets and the yaya’s cabinets and sleeping area.

We are still lacking so many things it’s becoming quite tiring! 

It seems to be a bug which has bitten everyone in the office. Every single person on my team is planning one trip or another. Crazy isn’t it? I seem to be the only one not afflicted. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but the thought of going on a trip is just too stressful for me.  I know there are a whole lot of travel guides out there but I still feel so stressed at the mere thought of packing, planning, leaving. OMG!

I hope this is just a phase…

With the current recession in the US, finding jobs has become extremely difficult. San Francisco jobs are just not as common as they used to be. My cousin (who I talked about in the last post) has been trying to find a permanent job for around a year and this has remained elusive. It seems that it’s only the medical industry which has thrived throughout the financial problems because most of the nurses I know are living comfortably in the US.

Yeah right, the QA Team at work would probably be laughing their asses off imagining me being sweet.

Well, at least I tried! Not that it was any success…

I guess being sweet is really not my forte. Why do I even try? ….nuninuninu

Here’s something more I realized while shopping for furniture just how insanely specialized furniture and fixtures have become. There are kitchen tiles, bathroom tile, decorative tiles, exterior tiles….they are all just tires right? And it’s the same with sconces, there are sconces to be placed beside the main door…those which are for interior walls, and there are home theater sconces. The variety is enough to drive someone like me crazy.

I love driving to work. I find it rejuvenating.  This is my time for introspection, for reflection. To listen to the news, to sing out loud, and even to read when I’m stuck in traffic.

There’s also that sense of excitement about going to work. (Yes I’ve told you guys that I love my work)

Going home is a different story altogether. It’s downright excruciating! This sense of wanting to be with Andrea already yet being unable to. Knowing that any slight delay in my arrival could result in my not being able to play with Andrea anymore cause she’d be sleeping. This sense of “I’m wasting this time inside the car when I could be 1: Resting, 2: Working some more, 3: Playing with Andrea, 4: Chatting with Ruy, 5: Earning while blogging.

I HATE THE DRIVE HOME 

I am losing patience and hope already, not weight!! I am going to go and try Jen’s weight watcher formula as it seems to work wonders for her. Not to belittle Jen as I know she’s working her ass off just to lose weight. I am going to try it the hard way one more time and eventually I’ll try lipovox.

What’s up with all these illnesses and sicknesses I’ve been hearing about? It’s seems everyone’s getting sick somehow. Some of the illnesses are those I haven’t even heard off like mesothelioma or rosascea (I don’t even know if I’m spelling this well). Is it because of our diet? The preservatives we ingest? The pollution in our environment? I swear I’m getting paranoid already!!

I’m selos-jealous yet again.  It’s a Philippine Holiday and since I chose to be on French Holiday then I am at work. I left for work just as Ruy and Andrea were in the garden playing. Huhuhu…I so want to be playing with Andrea right now. I do think I had a whole lot of Andrea over the weekend, but then you can never have enough of a good thing right?

Thank goodness I love my work (I might have to rethink this statement soon) and so going to work is not as difficult as it probably is for most moms.

Have you ever felt that the only purpose of your weekend was to do your chores?  I have and I still do actually.

Today I have to do the following:

- Go to the grocery

- Work on my blogs

- Finish the Calendars I’ve been working on

- Be a wife and mother

Waaaah…I also somehow need to relax. Good luck to me.

I saw this news online and I can’t help but feel frustrated.  How many times must this show be exposed before people start realizing their hypocrisy?  I hate how they take advatage of the innocence and the hope of the poor. Notice how every time they face a controversy they suddenly have a new millionaire.

Kawawa naman ang mga Pilipino, palagi na lang pinagsasamantalahan nang mga inaasahan at pinagkakatiwalaan nila.

A lot of my guy friends complain that it’s so hard to find gifts for girls. I do not understand this sentiment.  It is infinitely harder for me to find gifts for boys. I have to really research and look around just to find something for Ruy and more often that not I end up resorting to just asking him what he wants.  And when I do, you know what he says? “ANYTHING!” …aaaaaaarrrggghh

I’ve been trying to come up with ways of saving more and I decided that the best way to keep track of my spending is by posting it here. That way if I fail in my attempt to save the whole world will know I failed…how embarrassing is that right? So here’s my spending for the day:

100 - Massage in the office

195 - dinner (Spicy Tuna Salad)

 21 - Sago’t Gulaman

 50 - Headband

100 - Parking

——————————— 

466 — WAAAH no wonder I’m poor. I spend so much. I’ll do better tomorrow. PROMISE!

Thank you Avril for updating me regarding this. Now I know why I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours. There goes the headstart I wanted at work. I came in 15 minutes late for my 11am meeting. 

I know our country and government is not perfect but can’t we have peace even for just a month?  And when we go on coups, and whine and complain…can we at least have alternative solution ready. Let’s not whine just for the sake of whining…

December is considered a peak season for weddings in the Philippines. It’s that time of the year when suppliers are able to jack up their prices as couple after couple are running after them. I remember when I was preparing for my wedding I was overwhelmed by how hard it was to prepare. Imagine I had to book the church 16 months in advance!! It was that difficult.

It seems that this trend hasn’t changed this year as I am getting wedding invites left and right once again. Now,  when there’s a wedding of course there’s a wedding shower!!  It’s always so difficult finding the perfect gift for these showers.  There are just so many things to consider. If you are giving something then it’s best that it can be enjoyed by both the bride and the groom. We wouldn’t want the groom to feel left out would we?

Lingerie would of course be a cute gift but then again there’s the problem of not knowing the correct size. Imagine how offensive it would be if you gave a woman a bra that’s 2 sizes smaller….or what if you gave the man briefs that’s smaller. You could make instant enemies right there and then!

I think adult games or erotic games would be a safe bet. This is something the couple can enjoy together and you wouldn’t have to worry about finding the correct size.  Your only concern would be finding an adult toy store where you can find these games. I know there’s one in Metrowalk and a few in Malate but I always feel uncomfortable  stepping inside. I always feel like people are watching me and judging me…hahaha…am I paranoid or what? It’s true though, I’ve gone to one store in Malate and when I went out I felt like people were staring. I wanted to wear a sign which says “It’s NOT for me, It’s for a friend!”

I was looking at the TokiDoki purses from LeSportsac. I loved the look and the colors, then I put it down. Ruy asked why I chose not to buy it…I said I felt too old for it. Ruy then replied “Okay, that’s a good reason”

Was it a good reason?

I’m 25 for goodness sakes. I should be prancing around in Tokidoki’s and aimlessly bumming.

Yet I’m not.

I’m scared of my mistakes as Andrea could mimic them. I’m scared that I might not be the best role model for Andrea. I’m scared of being lazy…

I can’t be reckless, I have Andrea. 

I’m in a job where I panic at the thought of being absent. I’m absent now yet I’m working from home.

I don’t understand…when did I grow old that way? Have you seen my childhood?

So, the yaya strikes again. Yesterday morning she tells me “Ate, dalawa na lang ang diaper.” I take a deep breath count to three and say “Ok”

I didn’t want to argue with her anymore. I feel like it’s futile. Try talking to a wall…that’s how it feels with this yaya.  The problem with her is that she doesn’t learn. One time I asked her to commute to the grocery herself in the middle of the night (okay I’m exagerating here, it was at 8:30 pm) just so she would realize what she’s making me do.  It had no effect though. I have also tried explaining the repercussions of these actions…no effect as well.

So, Ruy and I went to the grocery to buy diaper. 2 hours after she tells me that we only have enough milk for a day.  The morning after, she tells me we have no wipes.

Can I cry now?

I have a soft spot for old people. I don’t know why but just seeing the beggars on the street drive me to tears.  It’s probably my close relationship with my grandmother whom I love so much despite the fact that all our bitchiness comes from her. Yup it’s true. =)  

When I was in gradeschool we were brought to this Home for the Aged somewhere in Marikina and it scared me. The condition of the  grandparents there were pathetic to say the least. They were in such miserable conditions that it affected them emotionally. They became grumpy, irritable and sometimes spiteful. I went home and told my grandmother that she should never stay in one of those homes. 

I am lucky enough to be living in the Philippines where the culture of extended families guarantees that my grandmother would never have to look for a nursing home for herself. I do know that a lot of people living in North America and Europe aren’t as lucky. Having information about the homes our relatives are being taken into is really important and thank goodness for the power of the internet, we now have access to these info.

When Jen went on a cruise she did say that she enjoyed it although her review wasn’t as glowing as I expected it to be. I would have thought she’d be head over heels in love with the experience. I always imagined that it would be wonderful for people who don’t suffer from motion sickness.

I want to get other people’s feedback. Have any of you tried any of the carnival cruises? What’s your feedback?

I have been a very very negligent blogger and I have put-off posting this. I don’t even know why it took me so long, but as they say “Better late than pregnant never”.

Thank you for the people who cited me as:

and

and

I don’t even remember who gave me which awards. I only remember Jen, Gracita and Litzie. Sorry to the others I didn’t mention. Meanwhile, it’s my turn to give back. Here are the people whom I feel are deserving of these.

1. Ruy. =) Love your own what can I say?

2. Jen = unabashed honesty…AHLAVEET

3. Litzie = she is soo nice. I look evil when compared to her. I think I can learn a thing or 2 about being nice from her

4. Gracita = her jet-setting life style is to die for.

5. Marj = another woman who is unafraid to say what she thinks. AHLAVEET

6. Jean = she’s a league of her own this woman!

I was looking at my old old posts….well not that old actually, I meant my posts from Oct. 2006 and Nov. 2006. I found my posts either interesting or funny. And now I’m looking at my posts and they’re so BLAH! What happened to me? Has my life become so boring that I have nothing left to blog about? I guess this is not the case because I was never really blogging about my life before but more of my thoughts. I guess the problem is my thoughts have become boring.

How the hell do you remedy that?

After giving birth, you’re supposed to lose weight right? Well I lost brain cells.

(And no, this is not a sympathy post. I’m not asking for people to tell me that I’m wonderful. I just need to whine. =))

So now that I’ve whined, I feel better already. (I’m a weirdo)

When you’re driving down major roads in Manila you’d be overwhelmed by the amount of billboards there are. Granted that a certain amount of them has been taken down due to security issues, the number is still quite considerable. I am not complaining though, I am a fan of these billboards (Yes, even Ellen’s atrocious billboard or Jestoni Alarcon’s Mendez Ad). They actually cheer me up as they provide entertainment when I’m stuck in traffic. They also serve as stimuli for interesting conversations with Ruy such as the time when we saw an ad for Bench Clothing:

Ruy: Sino yung matandang kasama ni Richard Gutierez?

Liv: I don’t know

Ruy: Is that Anabelle Rama?

Liv: I don’t think so I think it’s the wife of de Venezia

(SILENCE)

Ruy: I wonder what made them get her?

Liv: What do you mean?

Ruy: Why did they think she’d make a great image model for Bench. Were they thinking that people would see this billboard and say “Oh wow de Venezia’s wife is wearing Bench, I should get one too”

The rest of the trip was then spent debating on what this ad was trying to say and why they chose that woman as an image model.

Now, as I look at the current billboards there is a change that is interesting. Billboards featuring teenagers or pre-pubescent girls have been replaced by former actresses turned socialites who are 30 and above.  The most interesting thing is that they are image models for clothing lines catering to a market much younger than they are.

I ask myself what message this is sending out to the teenagers and young adults who look up to these actresses. I have several guesses:

1. You can age gracefully (not that 30 is already considered aging, but then again these actresses look better now than when they were 14)

2. If you’re beautiful you can marry rich men and you don’t have to work ever.

3. If you have enough money you can fix yourself up and never age.

4. You don’t need talent whatsoever if you’re beautiful. (This is unfair, one of the people I’m talking about can actually act well)

Don’t pay attention to me, I’m just bitching cause I feel ugly today.

Liv,

It is Halloween weekend and for the first time in 4 years,  you are not doing my makeup.  I so f*cking miss you.

patric

I want to cry…it’s not so much that I want to put makeup on Patric. It’s just shows how things have changed and there’s no chance that it will ever go back to the way it was. I miss  the times when I can spend weeks planning my halloween costume and that would be my biggest issue for that period.

When did human life lose it’s worth to people? No cause, no reason can ever justify these things. I hope someone finds the perpetrator and do something about it. I hope the politicians don’t turn this into another one of their comedy acts.

Yesterday, I had something big happen to me. You will all know about it in a month or two. Now, this exciting thing required me to put on makeup. Some of you might not be aware that I actually love putting on makeup, the problem is I had to put it on inside the cubicle. Needless to say, I was not so happy with the result.

I feel so bad because I should have spent money on a better foundation and good quality makeup mirrors. These would have made such a dramatic difference to how I looked yesterday. 

I am hoping that the photographer has great photoshop skills….*sigh*

I believe that people take themselves too seriously some time. I think people should learn to look at how they have failed and laugh about it…when you laugh about something your entire mind set changes. Things which are grave seem less grave and you suddenly see hope in previously hopeless situations.

I also think we should begin to celebrate our quirks. Realize that our person, attitudes, habits are unique to us in one way or another.

In line with this, I am starting my own TAG. I am imploring people to tell me why they are annoying (annoying here is said lovingly…wahahha)

Instructions: List 7 quirks, habits, traits which make you annoying. When you’re done, TAG 7 others to do the same

1. 1.     When people msn me and I know they’re about to ask me something, I say “NO!” with an exclamation point even before they start their question.

1.  I quote the bible when I’m stuck in an argument…and sometimes my argument is not even from the bible. To make matters worse I state it in this way “You know  like in the bible, that fish thing where they say you teach the man and you feed him something like that”
2. When in meetings, I turn around on my chair….non-stop…as in legs hanging slowly and continuously spinning on the chair.
3. When people are serious in meetings, I suddenly say things like “I’m hungry can we eat”…in a really ditzy way. 
4.  I say the most inane things while in the middle of work.  For example, “Numi, we have to do something about the lack of trust between us. There’s a wall here” (while making a hand motion of a wall between us)…when all she’s done is ask me if I’ve seen her pack of cigs
5. I say “You suck” around 20 times a day. 
6.  I get my pronouns mixed up…I say he instead of she or she instead of he. Luckily I don’t mistake a he or she for an it.

I tag Ruy, Nuni, Jen, Marj, Gracita, Jean, Arvi, Nikki

p.s.

I could just go on and on with this list…thank you for the people in my team who were so enthusiastic in helping me come up with items for this list. IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE THAT EASY PEOPLE!!!

I go through this year after year (except during my 22nd Birthday 3 years ago) and I wasn’t spared from it this year. I don’t know what it is about my birthday which leads me this feeling of unplaceable sadness. This year was not the worse but it was pretty bad. I guess it’s the reflection which causes these feelings to surface.

Birthdays are usually the times when people take a step back and look at their lives. What has happened to me this year? What have I done, how have I grown? People would probably say that so much has happened to me since my 24th birthday last year that I should be happy right? WRONG!! I feel like the things have happened TO me, and I haven’t really been making them happen. Take Andrea for example. She’s the biggest (and the best) change which has happened to me since my last birthday but I really can’t credit myself for Andrea. Andrea’s conception was nothing short of a miracle (a hormonal problem, PCOS and pills couldn’t stop her from being conceived) and as much as I’d like to say I planned everything…it was all beyond my control. 

There are also things I wish I could do which I still can’t. I wish I can for example pay for my sister’s schooling. Regularly give money to my grandmother. Not because they need it, cause they don’t, but just simply because they matter to me and I want to be able to give back to the people who’ve taken care of me for sooooooo long. I can’t afford to do that right now (or probably ever).  Haay it’s a depressing life

It’s going to be a tough week, a week when I have to do things I’ve been dreading doing. When I’ll have to face issues I knew where there but I wish I didn’t have to face.

It’s funny how some people might think that this is a blow which will destroy what I stand for when in reality it’s not. It’s a blow alright, but it’s a blow which will lead to better processes which in turn will strengthen that which I stand for.

There was one person I trusted completely and blindly. I thought this person will see the truth and “save”  what I stand for. I’ve poured everything I know out to this person in order to show this person the gravity of the situation. Nothing happened. Maybe the trust was misplaced. Maybe the trust was too much. Maybe the only thing I can trust is myself and what I stand for.

Cryptic? Perfect!

For thinking that there might have been an ounce of sincerity in this person. 

For thinking that maybe, the change stemmed from the soul.

For thinking that maybe there was no malice in the past actions.

I’ve learned my lesson, no bread will be broken between us. 

I think it was someone from the bible who said no man can serve two masters. Well try serving 5!!

I’ve recently been seriously messing up my married life by doing stupid and completely avoidable mistakes. It seems that the more I try  not to mess up the more I do. I’m a bit discouraged at how difficult it is to be a good “everything”…right now I’m just a passable “something”…

Confusing? Yeah, I’m sure it is. Let me try to explain by first introducing my 5 masters.

1. Work
2. Family
3. Andrea
4. Ruy
5. Myself

That list of course was written randomly, however isn’t it funny that work is up there without my thinking about it? Somehow it seems that work is the only thing I’ve managed to still do well (although still not as well as I want to do it) . It’s so hard because every single minute I stay longer at work is another minute away from Andrea. And another minute spent on Andrea is one away from Ruy. Another minute spent with Ruy is one away from my family (family here refers to my lola, mom, sister, aunt, nephews, etc.)

– o –

I’m wondering if I have what it takes to be a good wife…

I’ve been thinking about this for weeks and my mind can’t come up with a reason for me to say that I’m a good wife. I know how I’m a wonderful grand daughter, a great employee, a fun boss, a great sister, an ok daughter…I also know that if I had more time and a bit more practice I’d be an excellent mom…but I don’t know about being a wife. As I’ve mentioned earlier…no reason comes to mind.

– o –

I miss my family and most specially my sister. I see my grandmother almost every day but I almost only literally SEE her. I barely get to spend any time with her cause I have to hurry to work.

I see my sister once a week and yet again it’s really literally just seeing her.

– o –

You know my 5th master? Myself…I haven’t been able to do anything for her lately as well.

– o –

God please give me 30 hours in a day so that I may serve all my masters.

I’ve got all that I need,

Right here in the passenger seat…

Well not really in the passenger, actually more like a few inches to the left of my passenger seat. Here they are:

My life savers for today. This has been a very stressful week and it just keeps on getting more and more stressful. Let me give you the 411

• It’s 8:30 am right now
• I just came from a meeting which started at 7am
• I just slept 6 hours ago
• I woke up 4 hours ago to feed Andrea
• I started driving to work 3 hours ago
• I’ve been in the office 2 hours now.
• I have training in an hour and a half.
• I’ll be training for the next 9 hours.
• I’ll be training 7 people (as opposed to the planned 3) because my partner is sick.

I kinda want to cry. I feel so drained right now. That’s why I really need my beauty products. Two hours of sleep will not make me presentable enough for anyone to see without the usual gunk on my face….haaaaaaay. I’ll kill for an hour more sleep.

I drove to work pretty early (I find that it’s best to start your week off early) and just as I was about to park it dawned on me that I forgot to bring my laptop. AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH how the hell do I work without my computer? So guess what I had to do? Yup I had to drive back home to get my laptop. Waste of time, waste of gas, waste of energy.

I feel so stupid I want to stab myself with a dull knife….but only after I eat the yummy spicy toyo from affie with my lola’s atsara!! Wooohoo

One of my colleagues would always say “Perspective is everything”…(hey Angelique!!) I think she is right.

I have been feeling dead tired recently. So tired that I’ve been snapping at anyone and everyone. Ruy then decided to poing out that everything that’s causing me stress is actually a sign of how blessed I am.

I’m stressed about my car clunking

I’m stressed about the crack on my windshield.

I’m stressed about the traffic I have to endure on my drive home for work.

     Ruy said these are happening because I’m lucky enough to have a car.

Tired, not having enough sleep and waking up every 30 minutes at night.

Having a really horrible post partum body.

Having to save up for Andrea’s baptism and insurance and savings.

    These are all there because I was lucky enough to have Andrea even if the doctor’s had told me I would need a long therapy before I could get pregnant.

Have to spend an extra hour or two driving Andrea to my grandmother’s every single day.

    This is because I’m lucky enough to have relatives and in laws who are willing to help me out with Andrea.

Work. Overworked right now. Not just myself but my entire department (of which I am responsible for)

    This is because I’m lucky enough to have work that I not only LOVE but also pays well enough for me to survive.

It’s so easy to fall into the kawawa ako mentality, but it feels so much better to look at the bright side.

She once said couples shouldn’t have tv’s or pc’s in the bedroom…that woman’s a f*cking genius!!

Town mourns death of abandoned newborn  

By GARANCE BURKE, Associated Press Writer Wed Mar 28, 5:10 PM ET

 

OROSI, Calif. - The first newborn was discovered swaddled in a blanket on a park bench, an umbilical cord still hanging from his tiny body. Then, at neat 11-month intervals, two more abandoned babies were found in parked pickup trucks in the same neighborhood.

This week, DNA tests established all three babies were almost certainly born to the same mother.

Now, in a heartbreaking mystery that has transfixed this central California farm community of 7,300, investigators are trying to find the mother and figure out what drove her to such desperate lengths.

“How can the relatives not see this girl pregnant, and then see that she’s not pregnant anymore and not ask where’s the baby? Somebody must know something,” said Hortencia Espino, 81.

All three newborns were found within a two-block radius. The first two — a boy and a girl — survived and are now wards of the state.

The third baby was found dead of exposure on the cold night of Dec. 3. She was enveloped in a sweatshirt in the bed of a pickup parked near the high school, some 60 miles southeast of Fresno. The coroner concluded she was alive for less than a day.

On Wednesday, a Catholic church held a baptism and funeral Mass in Spanish and English for the baby girl, who was dubbed “Angelita DeOrosi,” or Orosi’s little angel.

Later, under the shade of a corrugated plastic awning, sheriff’s officials and grandmothers delicately sifted handfuls of dirt onto her white coffin before it was lowered into the earth.

Marely Pena, who found the infant in her father’s truck, cried behind dark glasses.

“I ask myself every day what if she had been alive. We could have saved her,” said Pena, 25. “I just hope the mother comes forward to please just make us feel at ease.”

Orosi, a town encircled by fig and lemon orchards, has long been the kind of place where everyone seemed to know each other. But that is changing, with new housing developments going up and a burgeoning gang problem that has led to a rise in violent crime.

As upset residents built makeshift shrines in honor of Angelita, authorities interviewed local women they thought might be involved. But DNA testing eliminated them as the babies’ mother.

After exhausting all leads, officials are asking the community for help finding the parents and are offering a $5,000 reward. Police said the mother could face criminal charges. But they also said they want to make sure she doesn’t do it again and isn’t in some kind of distress.

Investigators would not speculate as to the reasons for the abandonment, such as whether the mother might have been a prostitute or a rape victim.

“Whether the mother is in a physical state of danger or a mental state where she feels she can’t ask for help, our heart goes out to her,” Karen Franzen, manager of Dopkins Funeral Chapel in Dinuba, which donated a casket and cemetery plot for Angelita.

The first deserted newborn was found on Feb. 10, 2005, a barely breathing boy with a body temperature of just 85 degrees. On January 8, 2006, a resident discovered a full-term baby girl inside a pickup two blocks away, clothed in an undershirt and pants.

On Monday, sheriff’s officials announced the DNA results. The first two babies probably had the same father, but Angelita was fathered by a different man.

California and 46 other states allow parents to legally abandon a child at a hospital or other designated safe zones within 72 hours of birth, no questions asked.

Since California’s law went into effect in 2001, parents have safely surrendered 182 babies at fire stations, emergency rooms and other safe havens, according to state officials.

“This little community is a family. We know pretty much everyone else’s business and they know ours,” said Eugene Etheridge, principal of Orosi High School. “It’s concerning that this could happen again when the most precious thing we have is our children.”

I read this article and I can’t help but let the tears fall (when have I ever been such a cry baby?), I don’t understand how any human being can do this to her child…not once, not twice but three  f*cking times. What the hell was she thinking? Or wait, maybe that’s the problem…she wasn’t thinking.

How can a thinking human being, an adult? Enjoy sex and not even take responsibility for the repercussions of her actions?  And because of the irresponsibility of the mother the life of a helpless, innocent child had been taken away.

I can’t help but look at Andrea as I type this post.  The thought of leaving her alone at home with a yaya as soon as I go to work is already killing me…what more leaving her on a bench park?

When I was pregnant, a lot of people were asking me if I was afraid of giving birth.  I would always reply “No, I’m scared of motherhood…”. Being a mother is a very powerful thing, not only do you play a major part in giving life to a child but you also hold so much power. You can mold the best human being, you can also screw up the life of a person by your choices and by your decisions. It bothers me that a lot of people get pregnant, have unsafe sex without thinking of this.

I realized that with Andrea’s birth comes…my monthly period. Well not immediately I know but I’ve been enjoying the long months without it. Welcome back dysmennhorea, tampons, sanitary napkins, cramps, cravings, and pms.

Oh well, you win some you lose some!

All throughout my pregnancy, people have been looking at my nose. It’s as if they can tell how far along I reallyam just by looking at my nose.  Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for me) my nose hasn’t grown that much through out the pregnancy. I am a very logical person though so I thought…maybe it did grow a lot I just don’t realize it. So here’s what I did. I compiled pictures of myself all through out my pregnancy from the First Month all the way to the Ninth. Presenting…the nose

Hmmm…I think it did grow a bit!! Amazing! I thought that was just an urban legend. Oh well…it’s not that obvious anyway so it’s not a big deal I do hope it will shrink back after I give birth. Also…can anyone guess which one shows me during the first few weeks of pregnancy and which picture shows me on the ninth? Let me think of a price…and VICKI, BETH and AVRIL you cannot guess cause most of these pictures were taken during office affairs. 

Also, does anyone have any idea if there’s a contest for the vainest woman on the planet? I’d sure like to join.

The tough thing about not being allowed to drive is that your entertainment is completely dependent on other people…

I’m facing a sort of moral and social dilemma right now. I have principles (which are quite young, I’ve only started developing them upon working in my current job), these principles are currently being challenged and I’m so tempted to go against them.

I was reading a totally unrelated book last night when I came across these wonderful sayings which gave me a better insight on the situation.

“I just don’t want to give that son of a bitch the power to make me the son of a bitch”

and

“Never wrestle with a pig. If you do, you’ll both get filthy. But the difference is the pig will love it.”

I don’t know who said these but the last one sounds like Socrates….NOT!

My sister and Ruy were playing Text Twist last Saturday. Ruy would type the words while my sister would try to form words from the letters…My 8 year old sister whispered to Ruy

Helena: “I see another word but I can’t say it cause it’s bad…”

Ruy: What word is that?

Helena: S-E-X….

Gosh…I don’t think I even knew about SEX unti I was much much older.

Foot and Mouth Disease? Nope, for me it’s Foot Stuck in the Mouth. I’m sure it’s quite obvious for everyone that my ramblings on this blog are spur of the moment ramblings with no consideration as to what people would be thinking or the effects of such posts.

One such post is  How to Make Olivia Fall in Love With You , Ruy rarely reads my blog but he actually read that one. Now he has keys to my psyche which is not always a good thing. See last night I was so pissed off at Ruy (for a super shallow reason) and I was determined to get mad at him as soon as I wake up. BUT NOOOOOOO, Ruy hugs me as soon as I wake up…I was disarmed!! How am I supposed to get mad at him now???

“I’m sick of looking this way”…the statement. The statement which started a long discussion last night. It’s just hard for me having to go through all of these physical changes I have no control over. I think a lot of people go into “motherhood”  without thinking about the emotional challenges.  Actually, come to think of it, maybe other people don’t have these issues. Maybe I just think too much, maybe I’m just being selfish and self centered.  I just find it extremely weird looking at myself right now. I feel like a stranger to my own body. I feel  like it’s my head attached to someone else, like frankenstein or a zombie. My movements are foreign, my shoe size is different, my waist has disappeard, my pits and nips are of a different color and I can’t see my lower body.  Whose body is this?

I guess the most frustrating things for me are the things I cannot do now. Like cleaning my belly button (because I can’t see them properly), comfortably wearing pants and underwear (it takes so much effort now and that’s strange for someone who used to be very agile and flexible), driving, etc.

I know there’s a reason for these changes and that these are the necessary evils of pregnancy but I just like voicing out my thoughts about it every once in a while. The problem last night was that Ruy was probably sick of hearing my voice and told me that I shouldn’t be complaining because it’s for Andrea and that this is the essence of being a woman. I was shocked…really? I don’t agree…I know of several great women without children. I know of several mothers whom I wouldn’t describe as the embodiment of being a woman. 

I don’t think being a woman is functional,  HAVE A CHILD = BE A WOMAN. I agree that it’s one aspect of being a woman but it’s not the definitive definition of being a woman. The problem is I couldn’t argue this point well for the simple reason that I couldn’t give a different answer. I don’t know what the essence of being a woman is. I asked him though “If being a mother is the essence of being a woman, what then is the essence of being a man? Getting a woman pregnant?” 

I slept last night irritated and annoyed at the entire conversation. I guess it’s expected that Ruy wouldn’t understand the thoughts and emotions that a hormonal pregnant woman is going through.  How could a man understand what it feels like? And how could he when all the pregnant women he knows probably gushes about how good it feels to be pregnant and that pregnancy is the most beautiful thing on earth.  I love my baby and I’d definitely go through the entire process again for her BUT if there’s an easier way in the future I’d definitely take that.

(p.s. I apologize for whining non stop. I’m in a funky mood. Know that I realize how lucky I am because my pregnancy is relatively easier than most people I know)

Can I blame my being annoying on my pregnancy? Can I pin my bitchiness on hormones? Can I hide behind the halo of pregnancy and say “my baby made me do it?”…I’m sure I can but I wouldn’t. I’m really just an annoying person. Two prime examples last night…

 Ruy woke me up at 11:30pm to force me to eat(I haven’t eaten dinner) which I did as Ruy’s been ragging on my being “matigas ang ulo” so I’m trying to be a bit more….mmm…selective in my stubborness. After eating I got my cellphone and called an applicant in the US for her interview which lasted around 20-30 minutes. Ruy was flabbergasted that not only was I working at home but I was working at 12 midnight. Of course I told him “Don’t you appreciate the fact that I found a way to do my work at home instead of having to stay in the office till 12?” So we argued and we argued and it ended with me telling him “I can’t NOT do my job, this is part of my job and I have to do it.” I’m glad Ruy didn’t rub the fact that I was already hospitalized because of stress (which the doctors attributed to the stress at work) and that I should just shut up and follow him…

Next, after several minutes I was about to sleep and I said “Now it’s my turn to have a head ache” …I was probably mumbling because Ruy said “Now?” to which I bitchingly replied “No, 3 days ago”

Ruy was stunned speechless by my reply. He knows I’m a bitch but rarely is he the direct target of my sting…haaaay poor Ruy. He can’t get mad at me too much since I’m apparently in a “delicate” stage being pregnant and all. I personally think that delicate thing is bullshit, but hey if it serves me well then I’m all for it.

After months and months of symptom-less pregnancy I have finally joined the band wagon. Yes I am now suffering from the tell-tale pregnancy signs. First, I am now eating like there’s no tomorrow. Second, I actually feel sleepy during the day. Third, my movement is now beginning to be limited (remember those sumo wrestling mascots in Takeshi’s Castle? yup…I have become like them) because of my tummy. Fourth, I’m also suffering from some shortness of breath when I lie down. Fifth, dark armpits and nips baby…hell whoever said pregnant women are sexy must be out of his mind.  

WHAT??????????? Trust me, I got confused when I saw that word too…Ruy and I were just as confused. You see, we were just going to the hospital for the baby’s 4d ultrasound so we can see once and for all if Andrea is indeed a girl. It’s been quite frustrating cause everyone we know who got pregnant weeks and months after I did already know the gender of their baby. Meanwhile, my extremely stubborn and bullheaded fetus refuses to show us anything conclusive.

We decided to give it one more shot and so there I was lying on my back inside St. Luke’s Women’s Health Center. The doctor told us that Andrea’s legs are very tightly crossed making it impossible to see the sex organ…not only that, but the baby decided that it would be funny if it could squeeze as close to the placenta as possible to make sure that no one can really see it’s face.  Sometime’s the stubborn-ness of this baby scares me. She reminds me too much of myself and trust me, that’s not a good thing.

The worst part about the ultrasound was that they found out I was suffering from Oligohydramnios. They wanted me to go to my OB ASAP…I told them, “Can’t I go tomorrow so I can work today?”…they said NO. Now as stubborn as I am I’m not about to risk my baby’s health despite the fact that going to the hospital was the last thing I wanted to do on that day. 

What is Oligohydramnios anyway? here

What you need to know: Oligohydramnios is the term for too little amniotic fluid. This condition affects about 8 percent of pregnancies. It can develop at any time in pregnancy, although it is most common in the last trimester. About 12 percent of women whose pregnancies last two weeks beyond their due date develop oligohydramnios as amniotic fluid levels naturally decline. Oligohydramnios is diagnosed with ultrasound.The most important known cause of oligohydramnios early in pregnancy is birth defects in the baby (often involving the kidneys or other parts of the urinary tract) and ruptured membranes. The effect of oligohydramnios on the baby depends on the cause, the stage of pregnancy in which the problem occurs, and how little fluid there is. In the first half of pregnancy, too little amniotic fluid is associated with birth defects of the lungs and limbs and increases the risk of miscarriage, preterm birth and stillbirth. When oligohydramnios occurs in the second half of pregnancy, it is associated with poor fetal growth. Near delivery, it can increase the risk of complications during labor and delivery. What you can do: The best thing you can do is to go to all your prenatal care appointments. The causes of oligohydramnios are not completely understood. The majority of pregnant women who develop the condition have no identifiable risk factors. One of the things your health care provider monitors is the size of your abdomen and the amount of amniotic fluid in your womb. If you do develop a problem, your health care provider can take steps to help avoid further complications in you and your baby. Women at increased risk of developing oligohydramnios include those with high blood pressure, diabetes, lupus and placental problems. If you have high blood pressure, consult your health care provider before pregnancy, or as soon as you think you are pregnant, to make sure any medications you are taking are safe during pregnancy and that your blood pressure is well controlled. Treatment, if indicated, may include replacing the amniotic fluid with an artificial substitute once the woman is in labor. If you are diagnosed with oligohydramnios, it is important that you continue to eat well, drink lots of fluids (water is best), rest more, avoid smoking and report any signs of preterm labor to your health care provider right away.

	Oligohydramnios: Too Little Amniotic Fluid What You Need to Know About Amniotic Fluid The amniotic fluid that surrounds your baby is indeed a magic fluid. This clear-colored liquid cushions and protects the baby, provides it with fluids and is crucial in normal development. Your baby breathes this fluid into its lungs and swallows it; this helps promote the healthy growth of the lungs and gastrointestinal tract. Your amniotic fluid also helps the baby move around, aiding in normal development of muscle and bone. The amniotic sac that contains your baby begins to form about 12 days after conception. Amniotic fluid begins forming at that time, too. In the early weeks of pregnancy, amniotic fluid consists mainly of water supplied by the mother. After about 12 weeks, your baby’s urine makes up most of the fluid. The amount of amniotic fluid increases until about 28-32 weeks of pregnancy. At that time you have about one quart of fluid. After that time, the level stays about the same until about 38 to 40 weeks, when your baby is considered full-term. After that, the level begins to decrease. In some pregnancies, there may be too little or too much amniotic fluid. These conditions are referred to as oligohydramnios and polyhydraminos. Both can sometimes cause problems for mother and baby, or be a sign of other problems. In the majority of cases, however, the baby is born healthy. The Amniotic Fluid Index How is the level of amniotic fluid measured? Your health care provider uses ultrasound to measure the depth of the amniotic fluid in four different areas of your uterus and adds up the results. This is your amniotic fluid index. If the amniotic fluid depth is less than 5 centimeters (cm), you have oligohydramnios. If the depth measures greater than 25 cm, you have polyhydramnios.

In the world of blogging, lack of activity or posts seldom actually mean lack of events worthy to post about.  In my case, it’s actually the complete opposite…too much has happened and i feel like trying to recount each would be futile. I’ll just go right ahead and give you a very brief summary of the past couple of weeks.

WORK - extremely busy, just when I thought I was finally able to pace myself I was forced to absent myself from work because of…

BABY - my baby. A routine ultrasound showed that I was suffering from Oligohydramnios and had to be admitted into the hospital.  Which meant that Ruy and I had to forego our…

ANNIVERSARY - yup, we had planned on having a really nice intimate dinner last Friday to celebrate our 6th Anniversary but the baby had other plans…instead of dinner in Vieux Chalet we ended up spending a lot of alone time inside the hospital room….how romantic. =)

I’ll talk more about the Oligohydramnios problem later…I’m going to let my husband use his computer first. =)

It’s been a very emotional holiday season for me. First,  the love which I love so much I don’t love as much anymore…hahaha…from 150% to 110%…damn! There were just a lot of disappointments for the team which I’m sure will pass but right now motivation’s at an all time low for the majority.  You know how people get emotional around the holidays? Maybe that’s what’s happening to us.

 Ruy wasn’t very helpful during the early part of the holiday season. He was basically an ass for a few days. He said after that he was tired…I knew he was tired and he’s usually stressed when he feels he has a lot to do but I swear I wanted to bite him when he told me that.  What did he think I was feeling? I wasn’t tired? Me, the person who worked every single day during the holiday season. The person who still works even when she’s home. The person who had to buy all of our gifts for everyone just because I know if I didn’t it would be very delayed or be very expensive. 

Anyway, Ruy was only an ass for around 3-4 days…he was extremely nice after.  =) I told him every one snaps every once in a while and he shouldn’t be so affected by it.  I guess the good thing about our dynamic is that I never throw a tantrum when he’s in that mood. I don’t see the point cause we’d both be thinking of ourselves and therefore not hearing the other person…it would just magnify whatever small issue there is.  I usually wait till he’s done…then I act up…hahaha. Hey it works for us!! 

Enough rambling, I actually wanted to share a song which I heard while I was working on my team’s goals for 2007. One part of it really struck me…

And I know you love me
Love me for who I am
Cause years before I became who I am
Baby you were my man
I know it ain’t easy
Easy loving me
I appreciate the love and dedication
From you to me
Later on in my destiny
I see myself having your child
I see myself being your wife
And I see my whole future in your eyes
Thought of all my love for you
sometimes make me wanna cry
Realize all my blessings
I’m grateful
To have you by my side.

Awwww…..yup…despite being an ass sometimes I know I’m lucky to have found Ruy. After all it takes an ass to handle a bitch.

• I hate brushing my hair, I can go for 5 days without a hairbrush. Thank goodness I have curly hair.
• I think my stylist Mac Labay is my soul mate…how else can he style my hair so well even without proper explanations from me? His day off also corresponds to my color coding days…hahaha…Ruy thinks I’m sick
• I’m a pop slut, I love the Spice Girls, Destiny’s Child, Madonna…pop slut I’m telling you.
• I love Ruy so much more than people think.
• In my marriage, I’m the one who is less nice.
• I love losing an argument to Ruy. It makes me realize he’s smarter than I am…I like that. I think smart guys are hot!
• When I’m beginning to lose an argument, I say “You suck!”
• Despite being nitpicky over appearances I’m actually happy about how I look.
• I come from a family which is overly critical about appearances. I happen to be the smallest, heaviest, darkest among the girls and my family doesn’t make it easy to forget this fact. It’s a miracle that I don’t have body image issues.
• I talk a lot without really saying much.
• I love love love being an adult
• I’m a much better worker than I am as a student. This is great considering the fact that I was such a sucky student.
• I have a soft spot for older people. I am embarassed to say that I have cried at the sight of old beggars.
• One of my biggest fears is not having a child.
• I find it difficult to leave the office at the end of the day. It’s sick I know, but I really love my job…
• Ruy and I spend hours talking about each others jobs.  He gives me fresh insight about work related issues and I try to do the same. Problem is I’m too feisty and I end up getting all worked up about his job.
• I’m afraid our baby will have my personality. I’m hoping she’ll be as calm and even tempered as Ruy.
• I like myself…I think I would be friends with myself.
• I have a thing against people who are extremely happy. Ruy thinks it’s abnormal, and I agree! I just don’t like the brady bunch types. I like people with problems and issues…they’re so much more interesting that way.
• Ruy sometimes finds the way I can psychologize people scary…
• I’m the biggest fan of my friends…Loi, Patric Porto, Patrick Tiongson, Carmi, Vicki, Angelique, Aaron, Dorothy…etc…I’m sometimes amazed at my awesome friends.
• I think Ruy is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I love the fact that he’s nice without being a pushover.
• Despite liking people, or loving people  I can see all their flaws. Love is definitely not blind in my case.
• When I was in highschool, I wrote some non-negotiables for my future husband. Ruy fit all my criteria.
• I hate Ruy’s stinky pillows with a passion. He loves them just as much as I hate them.

hmmm…more to follow…this is quite cathartic!

Have you ever felt mind-numbing pain? The kind of pain that leaves you weak and almost high? Extreme pain actually leads to an altered state of consciousness…I have been experiencing this kind of pain for the past couple of days and I’ve had about enough of it.

You see, what made my pain so bad initially was that I couldn’t pinpoint where it was stemming from. I know my back was in extreme pain and Ruy (also known as my husband/masseuse) told me that I have a zillion knots on my back. I also know that my temples are throbbing and I’m feeling really sensitive to light, a sign of migraine. There’s also that shooting pain from a general area in my mouth and lastly my sore neck.

This led me to wake up in the middle of Saturday night panting, hyperventelating and in extreme pain.  I was feeling so much pain that I felt like throwing up…my palms were cold and Ruy woke up to see me in this condition.  This is the first time I’ve ever felt semi-conscious because of pain. It’s like the pain was clouding my vision…I wanted to keep on moving so as to forget the pain…and guess what? I couldn’t take medications as I was pregnant (aside from the fact that I didn’t really know what was wrong with me).

Ruy was amazing that night I must say. He spent a long time massaging my back, neck and head to help alleviate the pain (and it really helped)…amd as he had to leave early Sunday morning he left the sweetest note on the side table for me to see as soon as I woke up. That was an awwwwwwwwwww moment right?

The thing is, pain also makes one self-centered. You focus so much on your own suffering, that it’s hard to focus on anything else. I’m embarassed to say that I have yet to pay Ruy back for his sweetness, I haven’t even thanked him properly for it.  Now I realize how illnesses destroy relationships.  Being in pain makes it hard for a person to reach out and have a relationship with another person. I have been in and out of pain for the past 4 days and I have to admit that Ruy and I have barely spoken to each other. The only thing I want to do is sleep in hopes of forgetting the pain…

What is this pain I am talking about anyway?  Well, it’s a toothache gone awry…compounded by severe back and neck aches. The tooth, hopefully, will be fixed early tomorrow morning with a root canal procedure.

I cannot wait to be pain free…I really miss being in a relationship with Ruy…hehehe