Family Rants and Raves

Things have been quite difficult lately. It’s really demotivating to have to trudge day after day after day wondering “What next? What else could possibly go wrong?”. It’s tiring and it’s really taking a toll on me.

I sometimes wonder why it has to be so hard. I am not really planning anything grand or anything bad. I just want to do things which will put my life and Andrea’s in order. I guess I’m still reaping the results of several bad decisions and missteps from the past. I just wish it were a little bit easier and simpler. I seriously have been setting my life on track and I’m working really hard to make sure this happens…but there are just too many problems that pop-up…sigh.

Looking at the big picture I know my problems are almost petty it’s not like my husband’s cheating or I’m in a job I hate or I’m suffering from mesothelioma. I know this in theory but it’s getting harder and harder to remember this fact.

Andrea spent time with my mother today and it’s hilarious how stressed out my mom was. She seriously goes crazy at every little movement of Andrea. She practically has a heart attack every time Andrea starts running. I think I’m going to have to buy wrinkle cream for my mom…hahaha

I must be strong.

I must make sure not to give in to temptation.

Aaargh!

Why is it that when you promise something to yourself, then that’s when you are bombarded by temptation? I promised to lose weight and then we are given free food all over.

I promised to save more. And now there’s a mall wide sale here PLUS this great bargain of a laptop that’s available to me.

Must not give in…must be strong.

Number 2 reason:

He watches Barney with Andrea despite hating Barney. He also has learned to sing most Barney songs. =)

OMG! We’re almost done. We’ve gone into overdrive these past couple of days and we’re finally thisclose to moving into our own house. Yes, we’ve had this house for 2 years but but but we’ve never thought of seriously moving. I don’t know why but it’s just been too comfortable living with my inlaws I guess.

Here are the things we’ve done within the past 10 days.

1. Had the fence constructed
2. Chose a gate and had it built
3. Altered the dirty kitchen
4. Had the gutter constructed
5. Re-tiled the kitchen tiles
6. Bought tiles
7. Bought light fixtures
8. Bought a cabinet
9. Bought a sofa
10. Bought a dining set
11. Bought a microwave
12. Bought an airconditioner
13. Bought a refrigerator
14. Bought a washing machine
15. Bought sets of plates
16. Bought a set of knives
17. Bought glasses
18. Had kitchen cabinets constructed
19. Bought pots and pans

Here are the things provided by our generous benefactors (my parents, Ruy’s parents and my lola):

1. More pans

2. Water Heater

3.  Electric Fans

4. Rice Dispenser

5. Rice Cooker

6. Oven (with a stove)

Construction for the finishing is ongoing and delivery of all the things mentioned is set for the 21st. I’m thinking of taking a leave on the 20th to clean the place before everything is delivered.

I’m so psyched!

Yeah right, the QA Team at work would probably be laughing their asses off imagining me being sweet.

Well, at least I tried! Not that it was any success…

I guess being sweet is really not my forte. Why do I even try? ….nuninuninu

I had the best 5-day-Mother’s-Day-Celebration ever in the history of the world. It’s not because of the extravagance or the expense, but how perfectly it fit me.

Thursday was perfect cause I got to do something I’ve been meaning to do for months and haven’t gotten around to doing so which is visit my doctor. I also got to spend practically a whole day with my family which made it doubly fun.

Friday was amazing. It was perfect cause I got to go on a road trip with two of my favorite people. I’m sensitive when it comes to road trips, I can’t just go with anyone. But this trip was just perfect. The food was awesome, the company great, I felt taken cared off and pampered.

Saturday was the day Ruy insisted on celebrating Mother’s day together without Andrea. I said “What for? We celebrated already yesterday” and he said that was with Andrea, now it’s our turn. It was perfect cause it made me feel that I wasn’t just a mother, that I was a wife too. It reminded me of an often neglected role in my life.

This was the same day Ruy pointed out that I kept on buying the same kinds of shades and asked me to try on some other kind. It was beautiful. He insisted on buying it for me (I wouldn’t let him, don’t underestimate my pulling powers). It was perfect cause I realized that after 8 years together he still notices these details. Details which I myself overlook. It was perfect cause I can see that he knows me well enough to know what fits me and what I’d like.

Sunday was spent with my inlaws having the yummiest lunch ever. It was perfect cause I’m beginning to feel more and more like family.

Monday was spent sleeping the whole day suffering from migraine. It was perfect because I got to take care of myself. I got to experience not being responsible for anything and still the world continued to revolve. I realized I don’t need to worry about everything. I needed to worry about myself.

Mother’s day this year was perfect. Thursday was spent being a sister and a daughter, Friday a mother, Saturday a wife, Sunday an inlaw and Monday being myself. It was beautiful, it was complete, it was perfect.

Imagine this….having migraine and then having to wake up in the middle of the night because a certain baby (who shall remain nameless) was tugging at your big toe because she was somehow able to reach it from her crib. You somehow manage to wake up and pacify her and lull her back to sleep.

Two hours after, she’s screaming Mama, Mama, Mami again. And of course you’re up…migraines and all.

Then you go to work, you are in a room working under 4 industrial lights and having two glaring computer screens open and taunting you with their light.

AAAAARRRRRGGGH. With the number of pills I’m popping now I am going to need to undergo drug rehab very soon.

I feel so frustrated. No matter what I do, at least one of my masters would be unhappy or dissatisfied. The more I try to please every one, the more I end up pleasing no one.  I also end up questionning if I’m actually good enough to take on any of the roles I’m trying to fill.  =(

What frustrates me more is the fact that I know I am good enough….hell ,I’m awesome!!  I know that…but I don’t feel that way at all right now.

One step at a time,

One hope then another,

Who knows where this road may go.

 (insert Olivia’s wistful sigh here)

Note: I was listening to some songs while working on an excel file (I suck at excel) and just had to take a minute off to write this. 

I still haven’t greeted my mom. 

I just feel so uncomfortable now that some time has passed and I still haven’t greeted her. I now I should say sorry…and I’ve been meaning to do that but I feel uncomfortable with that as well. 

I really should call her before the day ends huh? I feel so guilty it’s eating me up inside…I don’t know why…I’m mushy that way.

I feel awful. It was my mother’s birthday yesterday and I wasn’t even able to greet her. =(

It was not like I forgot about her birthday. I was fully aware that it was her birthday and actually have something for her, I just got too caught up with work and was only able to call her at 10pm. At that time she was already sleeping cause she had migraine.

AAAAAArrrrrgh I feel sooo bad. I know if Andrea did that to me I’d feel really sad. haaay

Have you ever felt that the only purpose of your weekend was to do your chores?  I have and I still do actually.

Today I have to do the following:

- Go to the grocery

- Work on my blogs

- Finish the Calendars I’ve been working on

- Be a wife and mother

Waaaah…I also somehow need to relax. Good luck to me.

I have completely ignored Christmas. I have not prepared for anything, bought any gift (except for Andrea’s) and I only have a handful of days left to prepare for everything.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I think I’ve gotten too caught up in the drama of work and marriage life that I’ve completely forgotten this tradition. I am not really proud of myself for doing this, I would love for Andrea to have a great Christmas tradition, something she’ll remember as she grows old and something she’ll be able to share with her kids when she grows up.  I don’t have something like this that’s why I really really wanted this for Andrea.

I hope it’s not too late to salvage our Christmas

A lot of you know that I have a sister whom I love dearly. Her name’s Helena but I call her Henna. She’s now 8 and one of the things I miss now that I’m married is getting to hang out with her…Here’s an LO I made for my sister

 All the elements in this LO came from www.peppermintcreative.com

I go through this year after year (except during my 22nd Birthday 3 years ago) and I wasn’t spared from it this year. I don’t know what it is about my birthday which leads me this feeling of unplaceable sadness. This year was not the worse but it was pretty bad. I guess it’s the reflection which causes these feelings to surface.

Birthdays are usually the times when people take a step back and look at their lives. What has happened to me this year? What have I done, how have I grown? People would probably say that so much has happened to me since my 24th birthday last year that I should be happy right? WRONG!! I feel like the things have happened TO me, and I haven’t really been making them happen. Take Andrea for example. She’s the biggest (and the best) change which has happened to me since my last birthday but I really can’t credit myself for Andrea. Andrea’s conception was nothing short of a miracle (a hormonal problem, PCOS and pills couldn’t stop her from being conceived) and as much as I’d like to say I planned everything…it was all beyond my control. 

There are also things I wish I could do which I still can’t. I wish I can for example pay for my sister’s schooling. Regularly give money to my grandmother. Not because they need it, cause they don’t, but just simply because they matter to me and I want to be able to give back to the people who’ve taken care of me for sooooooo long. I can’t afford to do that right now (or probably ever).  Haay it’s a depressing life

My sister and Ruy were playing Text Twist last Saturday. Ruy would type the words while my sister would try to form words from the letters…My 8 year old sister whispered to Ruy

Helena: “I see another word but I can’t say it cause it’s bad…”

Ruy: What word is that?

Helena: S-E-X….

Gosh…I don’t think I even knew about SEX unti I was much much older.

In the world of blogging, lack of activity or posts seldom actually mean lack of events worthy to post about.  In my case, it’s actually the complete opposite…too much has happened and i feel like trying to recount each would be futile. I’ll just go right ahead and give you a very brief summary of the past couple of weeks.

WORK - extremely busy, just when I thought I was finally able to pace myself I was forced to absent myself from work because of…

BABY - my baby. A routine ultrasound showed that I was suffering from Oligohydramnios and had to be admitted into the hospital.  Which meant that Ruy and I had to forego our…

ANNIVERSARY - yup, we had planned on having a really nice intimate dinner last Friday to celebrate our 6th Anniversary but the baby had other plans…instead of dinner in Vieux Chalet we ended up spending a lot of alone time inside the hospital room….how romantic. =)

I’ll talk more about the Oligohydramnios problem later…I’m going to let my husband use his computer first. =)

Here’s the link to my Webshots:

http://community.webshots.com/user/livnoblezareyes

…our pictures are under the CUZINS folder.

“You have a girl, but she’s on the dark side…” these were the first words I heard in this beautiful planet called earth. Legend has it that these were the words uttered by my mother’s gynecologist upon seeing me emerge from my mother’s C-section.

You see, my mother is very fair and is often mistaken for a non-Filipina. She’s not gorgeous but she’s so fair Filipino’s find her attractive (you know how it is in the
Philippines). Now my lola is of the same color, and even my lolo whom my lola calls ‘native’ and ‘bisoy’ is fair as well. Needless to say I am the darkest in the family (i’m also the shortest but that’s a different story altogether) and it’s quite hard to forget it.

Why do people place so much premium on fairness? Why do I place such a high premium on it? Sure I wouldn’t go as far as buying Likas Papaya or Splash Whitening something but I did buy an SPF 90 sunblock which I apply religiously (every 30 minutes) every time I do any outdoor activity.  I rationalize and say that I have really dark features (deep set eyes, dark hair, etc) and look better and cleaner with fairer features…but in reality  it’s all bullshit and it doesn’t matter consequently. I’d still be in the same job whether I was darker or fairer. I’d have the same friends, I’d marry the same guy, I’d be carrying the same kids (but maybe a few shades lighter…) hehehe.

That’s why I found Ruy so attractive when we were just dating. He was the only guy I’ve ever dated who didn’t care too much about appearances. (Yeah yeah so I’ve been dating stupid men, I know that now). Initially it was a bit frustrating cause I was so used to guys caring so much about appearances, and here was a guy who barely looked at my newly blowdried hair and only noticed that I had green eyes (contacts people) 4 weeks after I started wearing them. Then it became liberating…then it became wonderful. Imagine having someone who tells you you’re beautiful and you know it has nothing to do with the way you applied your eyeshadow…haaaaaaaaay  

I would be the first to admit that I am a regular scrooge about Christmas. YUP, I don’t particularly enjoy this particular holiday. I find it too impersonal,  I get gifts from people not because they particularly like me but because it’s the season. I think that’s crazy!  Plus, what makes the season so special? Everyone else is receiving gifts at the same time… Ruy on the other hand LOVES Christmas. Go figure how we co-exist…

You see, I have 2 father figures who died before Christmas. One at November 22, one at December 2 (not on the same year)…imagine hearing all the songs and seeing all the decors which would remind you of that period when you were grieving. What sucks even more is seeing everyone seemingly so happy while you are sad. When my Uncle (whom I called Daddy Ba) died on December 2…I was walking around crying and I would see people smiling and laughing and I hated them. I was thinking how the hell could you be laughing like that, don’t you know my Daddy Ba just died?

Despite my lack of enthusiasm over Christmas though I try to get into the spirit of things and I avoid dampening others moods. Case in point, last year I was the one who bought and wrapped all of Ruy’s gifts for friends, relatives and inaanaks.  Last weekend I decided to get into the spirit of things earlier than usual. I already bought my Christmas Gifts for my 4 nephews. I also bought birthday gifts for my 2 nephews.

Why am I buying gifts so early? Because I want my 13th Month Pay to be sent solely on my baby…yup…none for me or for my loved ones, my 13th month pay is just for my baby. Luckily, my mother’s friend who is an OB told me that she’ll only be charging me **,*** Pesos for my delivery. This means, that my 13th Month Pay alone would be more than enough to cover my baby’s delivery AND probably a stroller. So Ruy’s share could go to buying a really expensive crib, beddings, storage, and other baby stuff. Meanwhile, I need to make sure that I have bought all of my Christmas Gifts before December. So I will make my list here to remind myself.

• Lola
• Abap (my Aunt)
• Mommy
• Helena (my sister)
• Gab-Gab (2 year old nephew) - bought a train set that goes round and round as he adores cars
• Caspo (2 year old nephew) - bought a basketball set 
• Vinci (7 year old nephew) - spy set
• Mark (6 year old nephew) - spy set
• Mary (my lola’s maid who still washes my clothes up to now) - will definitely give her cash
• Carmi - my bestfriend
• Mama Lulu
• Papa
• Quitos
• Lola Mommy
• Ruy
• ANDREA — I want to buy her a small stuffed toy fromAnimal
  Land but I need to know the gender first.

I don’t know who among the people in the office I should give gifts to…Hmmm…I’m so happy cause my list seems really short right now.

So my due date just got bumped up again. I am apparently due on the 14th of March and not the 29th as was previously expected.  This also means that I’m already in the middle of my 4th month and approaching my 5th month. There are several implications…one that I will know the gender of Andrea very very soon. Two, that I can have the congenital anomally screening test done to help alleviate my fears. Lastly, that in 6 more weeks I should have gained 14 pounds total. The problem is, I lost another 9 pounds…haaaaaaaayy.

The doctor said not to worry cause I’m eating well and I’m just like my mother (my ob is the same ob who delivered my baby sister). You see my mother didn’t need to buy a maternity dress up until she was 7 months pregnant. I think I’m a bit like her. My pants are beginning to be a bit tight around the waist but lose elsewhere. I am now officially in that awkward stage…pregnant or fat?….hmmmmmmm

Last Tuesday, I actually cooked for Ruy! Imagine that? It’s actually quite funny that my specialty turned out to be Lucky Me Instant Pancit Canton. How gourmet is that? hehehe. One thing I noticed about this is how different Ruy and I really are. We both like Pancit Canton but he likes the super spicy kind while I want the one with Calamansi. He likes his pancit dry and al dente meanwhile,  I like mine wet and soggy.

It was a very small thing, but for me it shows what the real difficulty in marriage is. It’s not about love, rarely do people marry when they’re not in love. It’s about two different lives trying to compromise and live as one.  That I believe is the greatest adjustment. He stores his clothes differently, they keep their towels differently, the trash, they store their dishes differently. My initial problem before was comparing how his family did things and how mine did them. I realized that the way to go about it is to start from scratch and try to establish what works well with Ruy and myself. This is a bit hard to do as we haven’t moved to the new house yet…

Had a sort of rift with Ruy last night. Started at around10pm. We were talking about our living arrangements after the wedding. See, we’ve talked about this in the past through text, but I never thought of whatever we talked about as final. I always though stuff as serious as that deserved face to face conversations. With Ruy however, if something was discussed through SMS, then it’s set. This has caused several issues in the past…I was accused of changing things which were already set when in reality in my head nothing is final until we sit down and talk about it.

What really threw me off was when Ruy started asking if I was sure about getting married. I was trying to rationalize staying in my lola’s place cause 1. It’s nearer, 2. Saves gas, 3. Saves travel time, 4. Saves me from fatigue. Take today for example. I got to work before 7am. I had to leave my lola’s house at 6:30…I’ll be going home at around 8 and I’ll probably reach my lola’s house a little before 9. If I always stayed in Ruy’s house then I’d have to wake up at least  30 minutes to 1 hour earlier and go home 30 minutes to 1 hour later. I know it seems like a small thing, but in my current condition being this tired and all…I want to take all the rest I could take.

It had nothing to do with the choice to get married or not, it’s all about practicality and reality. Another thing is there are always people picking me up and driving me to work when I’m in my lola’s house. I really appreciate (and need) this right now. I don’t expect Ruy to do this…no it’s not because he’s unwilling but his job is at the opposite side of the world.

The fight came to a halting stop at around 12 midnight when i raised the white flag. My tummy was hurting so bad I was crying, no it wasn’t LBM or constipation or anything obvious like that. It was just hurting so bad.

When things like that happen I don’t know what to do. It’s too late to call a doctor, telling my grandmother or calling my mother would just cause more panic than it’s worth. It’s not like anyone can do anything about it anyway, it just sucks having to go through it alone.

So I was finally able to sleep at around 2:30am. The pain was not yet gone then but it became tolerable. I also forced myself to sleep cause I was supposed to wake up at 4:30am…of course I wasn’t able to. I ended up waking up at around 5:30…gulping down my cereals taking a quick bath and speeding off to work.

It’s going to be another long day. I’ll be in the office for around 13hours today…I’m sick!

I’m drowning with everything that’s happening in my life.

Work, yes the work that I love is beginning to be overwhelming. I have so much I need to do and so little time to do them. My fault for setting unrealistic deadlines. Oh well…working 12 hour days doesn’t seem to be helping though…24 hours maybe?

Wedding. Our Civil Wedding is set on Sept. 8 and it’s really stressing me out. Ruy’s family is having issues because of the brother getting seriously ill, which makes Ruy very irritable and sensitive. I ask a small question and we end up getting into a fight. He’s stressed and so am I that’s why we’re clashing. I told him I give up, I don’t need this extra stress…I told him he and his family could take care of everything, I’ll just pay for whatever needs my share and I’m done. Of course that’s not what’s happening right now. I’m still the one stressing over it.

Wedding Rings. The designer called and told me that she couldn’t find diamonds that fit the size which I wanted, would I mind having bigger diamonds instead? HELLO!!! Are you kidding? Of course I don’t mind! My half eternity ring with 4 diamonds (and 3 sapphires) would now have a combined total weight of 0.48 carat. Not bad…i’m happy! Problem is…Ruy doesn’t know yet…hehehe

Family. My lola’s unhappy about the fact that I’ll be living with Ruy (even if it’s only during the weekends), she wants me there with her at home…typical lola.

Andrea. Andrea’s being very nice now. Not causing any problems…good girl!

Today Ruy’s little brother, Quitos, will undergo another lung surgery. Help me pray for his safety, his immediate recovery and the sanity of his family. I’m sure it’s not easy for them specially since this is his second major operation this week!

Ruy had to work so he’s in the province right now but I’m sure this is driving him crazy.

It’s one of those days. I was supposed to go to LTO today to renew my license which will expire tomorrow but I completely forgot. Now I have no choice but to go to LTO on my birthday! Damn it…

Another thing, I wanted to party with people here in the office (I just bought the latest Sergio Mendez cd which is perfect for partying) tomorrow night but unfortunately my mother told me she’s going to my grandmother’s house tomorrow together with my sister and stepdad so i have to be there with them.

I told Ruy that I wanted to have dinner with him tomorrow but it’s also not going to happen. His brother (Quitos) was rushed to the hospital and had to be operated on today. Of course Ruy needs to be there with him tomorrow.

So tomorrow, after work, I’m going to brave the rush hour traffic. I’ll probably spend 1-2 hours driving home and then spending 30 minutes with my mom and sister (who at that time would have eaten already). I’ll probably be eating by myself while they prepare to leave…

Waaaaaaah, that’s depressing. Maybe I should drive back to the office after. Hmmm, that sounds like a plan 

My grandmother is always so frustrated about the fact that I don’t care too much about my car. As long as it works, and it smells nice inside then I’m happy. My grandmother decided to take it upon herself to have some work done on my car yesterday. You see I left my car because Ruy drove me to and fro the office and so my grandmother had free reign on my car. I don’t know how she did it, the logistics escapes me right now but somehow she was able to have an alarm installed, and had all my lights changed to a higher quality light. She told me this is her birthday gift for me….I just found it hilarious. Whatever happene to grandmothers who baked pies and knit sweaters?