May 21, 2009

2 nights ago Andrea asked to be put on her high chair so she can color her books. I carried her to the chair, zipped her up and sat on the sofa.

I was watching her from across the room when I realized that her foot goes way beyond the foot rest of the highchair and her head extends way beyond the back rest. Andrea looked terribly out of place in that baby apparatus. I can deny it all I want but I know that she is slowly becoming a little girl.

I felt a bit panicky upon this realization. I have mastered the art of being a mother to baby Andrea but I’m not sure I know what it means to be a mother to a little girl. I don’t know if I know how, I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I’m ready.

I am 26 years old. What business do I have raising a little girl? I’m practically still a little girl and God knows I still haven’t learned all the lessons I should have learned from my childhood.

I used to console my fears about motherhood by saying that there are so many stupid people out there who are able to raise kids, I should be able to do the same. The problem is I don’t want to raise Andrea like a stupid person would. I am not satisfied with just barely raising her. I want to raise her with values, with morals, with faith. How do I do that when I’m not even sure how much of those things I have (if any at all?).

I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m the best person for this job, problem is I am the only person for this job.