March 2009

Switched on. All the time. No breaks.

This is what I seem to be. This is what I have been since giving birth. There’s not a second when I can just kick off my shoes and lay there. I have to worry about a million things all at the same time.

When’s the milk going to run out? Do we have enough water? Has the electricity bill been paid? Have my work emails all been sent? Are there any replies? Do we have food for later? Does Andrea have food for later? Does Andrea have enough stimulating activities for the entire day.

Every single second these thoughts are in my head. If I were an electronics device…errr electronic device I mean, I would have short circuited by now. I need a break, not necessarily a break from work but a break from the responsibilities and a break from having to be the one in control.

I think this is why I enjoy going home to my mom, grandmother and aunt. There, I can literally let go and not think. For a few minutes I can be switched off…and somehow the world doesn’t come crashing down on me.

Happy Birthday Yoyin and Kuya!! (Nani, Abap and the rest of the family are sending out their greetings as well)

p.s. Give Gab a great big kiss for me

Growing up, I’ve always detested trips. My family always manages to sabotage our trips with one family drama or another. When I say always, I mean ALWAYS. I guess this is why the thought of trips always leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I guess childhood memories really have a way of creeping up on you in adulthood.

Ruy is another story altogether. He loves trips, he loves driving, and would always try to come up with an excuse to go somewhere.

In college we decided (or rather he decided and I grudgingly went along with it) to go to Tagaytay together. It’s our first out of town trip and while Ruy was excited I was terrified. So many things were coursing through my brains…what if this guy is an asshole and leaves me dead somewhere (yes I swear the thought really did cross my mind, my mother, grandmother and aunt did an excellent job in making me paranoid), what are we going to talk about during the entire trip? can i stand the awkward silence? etc, etc, etc. 

A lot of people think I’m makulit…these people haven’t experienced the convincing power of Ruy. He was somehow able to convince me to go. So with only around 1000 pesos in both our pockets, we headed to Tagaytay.

We didn’t go to Antonio’s, we didn’t go to Highlands, we only had mushroom burger and other things we made baon. Yet somehow when asked to name the best trip I’ve ever taken, that one comes to mind. Strange.

“And the best way to know who we are is often to find out how other’s see us” – Paulo Coehlo (The Witch of Portobello)

When I read this line I had to put down the book I was reading. I’m not quite sure if I agree with this but the implications if it were true are quite scary.

Ruy and I were watching a TV show last night and the man said “It breaks my heart that we can’t afford to have a kid cause my wife deserves it…”

I felt a tug in my heart cause it sometimes break my heart too that I have to wait till I can afford to give another child the kind of life I want my kids to have. If money weren’t an issue I’d want around 4 kids…but money is an issue. =(

I then realized how arrogant it is for me to think I deserve something. Why the hell do I deserve it? I am now living comfortably enough with one child…isn’t that more than enough?

I have been feeling guilty these past weeks regarding the quality of Andrea’s mornings.  She usually spends an hour to an hour and a half watching TV while I rush to finish everything I needed to do in the morning. I feel very strongly that this is not how a toddler’s morning should be.

Friday, I woke up early with Andrea. She said she wanted to watch Dora…I asked her if she wanted to read a book instead and she ran to her bookshelf and got all her books. We read for around 30 minutes then she got restless. 

Puzzles were next on her agenda. She spent the first 2 minutes trying to say the word PUZZLE (it ended up sounding like pushle) and then she concentrated on it.  Next was breakfast, followed by her bath.  I thought she would have had enough of me by that time so I said goodbye so I can go to work. To my surprise she started crying. I’m not talking about toddler whines or fake cry but this one is real crying complete with tears. It broke my heart but I had no choice but to go to work.

Imagine my glee when my dinner plans that night were cancelled. I rushed to my grandmother’s house, picked her up and we went to a small mall near our place and went to Timezone to play basketball.  We then went home where Andrea found her Dad waiting for her with 6 CHICKS!!! 6 chicks = one happy baby = one unhappy mommy. Aaarrrggghh.

Saturday was spent swimming, playing, etc. No TV the whole day for Andrea and No internet for Mommy.  I think Andrea enjoyed the day so much she refused to sleep…she didn’t sleep till 3am the next day.

Sunday was family day. She ate her favorite egg pie for breakfast, then she started painting. Then we went to the mall where she spent 2 hours inside the grocery cart “fixing” our groceries. Then we went home, she napped for a few minutes. As soon as she woke up it was off to the play ground with Mommy and Daddy.

She was so happy during the weekend that I can’t help but feel guilty about having to work and not devoting that much time to her every single day. (that guilt didn’t last long, I know I need my work for my sanity…i’ll go crazy if I had to stay at home)

“…all suffering of mankind is produced by attachment to a previous condition or existence”

Reading this quote was a light bulb moment for me. How many times have I lamented about how difficult life is now compared to the past? How much fun my childhood was, etc. I have been making myself suffer with my attachment to my old life…it’s time to move on now. I think I’m ready.

I have been trying to keep a positive attitude for the past couple of weeks and today proved to be extra challenging.

I called home at 8pm to check on Andrea. I was told that she’s still awake. I told them I’ll be leaving the office at around 8:30 so I can catch Andrea awake. Needless to say, I was not able to leave by that time due to a last minute file I had to edit.

I was rushing to the car to try and salvage the situation. When I was about to pay for my parking I realized that I left my wallet inside my laptop bag (I brought my laptop when I had dinner with Vicki). Aaarrrggh!! I had to park my car again and walk back to the office. It was at that time when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to play with Andrea anymore.

While stuck in traffic I felt an intense frustration. I can’t believe I won’t get to play with Andrea…again. I was so frustrated my eyes were tearing up.

When I got home, Andrea was indeed sleeping already. I carried her to my car and she started fussing. I started whispering to her (that usually soothes her) telling her that I’m carrying her to the car so we can all go home. She suddenly spoke in a very loud voice and said “Truck what happened?” (there was a pick-up truck in front of us)

She tried to stay awake during the entire drive home being very responsive and talkative. When we got home we went straight to the big bed where she put her head on my lap and started drinking her milk again. When I saw that she was about to fall asleep I told her. I think it’s time for you to sleep with Minnie and Donald so I’ll put you on your bed now okay? She smiled excitedly…then fell asleep.

I can’t explain just how happy I am to have those few minutes with her…nothing like a natural high at the end of a work day.

Wow, Ruy and I have been together for that long. WOW!

It was 98 months ago when we started dating. That was when he told me that he sees me as someone who is vulnerable. No one has ever called me that. No one has called me that since. I never understood exactly what he meant then, it still boggles me up to now.

Girl, this totally cracked me up and reminded me of you. I got it from my friend’s blog:

Dear God,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I’ll beat him to death

 

“When you choose to be pleasant and positive in the way you treat others, you have also chosen, in most cases, how you are going to be treated by them.”

~Zig Ziglar

Wow. It would be so much simpler if I just agreed with the quote and tried to follow it from this point on. Knowing me though, you should know that I don’t necessarily go for the path of least resistance. I am going to use this to look back to the people who didn’t treat me well in the past…and think about how I treated them. 

I am scared I might not like what I’ll remember.  

Andrea used to scream like a banshee when bathing. We were living with my in-laws then and their neighbors found out I have given birth cause they could hear Andrea’s WAILS all the way to their house.

A few months after, she began loving her baths and the water. She usually goes crazy when she sees her pool being set up. Last Saturday, while Ruy was having a rendezvous with his dentist I decided to take out Andrea’s pool which has been hidden for months (cause of the rain). As soon as Andrea saw it she went wild. She started saying “sim poo” excitedly and repeatedly. I was still pumping air into the pool but Andrea was already trying to climb it. She also kept repeating the word swimming pool over and over. I am happy to announce that when I was done inflating the pool, Andrea has learned how to say swimming pool properly.  (Have you ever tried inflating a pool with an excited toddler circling around you? not easy!)

When she was finally able to go inside the pool she was shrieking. She was that excited. She then started pretending to “eat” the water. At this point I was having a nervous breakdown of course. Around 30 minutes after, I started draining the water.  Andrea noticed that the water was going down and that the hose which supplied water to the pool is nowhere to be found. She started saying “Where is it?” ,  I would always reply “I don’t know”…this went on for around 11 times until she found the hose lying a few feet away. She excitedly told me “There! Get Mommy Get!”…I said “What? I don’t see it”. She of course didn’t know what it was called so she was having such a hard time trying to explain what she wanted, she eventually said “the pink!”….wahahaha!!

The hose thing didn’t pan out for Andrea. I refused to give her the hose cause I told her it was time to stop swimming. She then tried distracting me by naming all the animals all over her pool…she started pointing at each one and said “Opus (octopus), shehorse (sea horse), fish, fish, bubbles, bird (no there wasn’t any bird there, it was just a fish which looked like a bird)”, I told her “Okay great job Andrea.”

She looked very pleased with herself until she saw that I was already holding a towel. In her last desperate attempt she did the unthinkable, she pointed at each animal again but this time she labeled the colors so she was shouting “Orange, blue, blue, pink, orange, yellow”. I couldn’t help but laugh, she would NEVER EVER answer me whenever I would ask what color something was and now she’s doing it on her own just to stop me from getting her.

I told her “Wow Andrea that’s good. Come it’s time to dress up”. She looked at me, saw I was serious and she stood up and ran to me. 

I had so much fun playing with her in the pool I’m going to try and bring her to the big pool again very soon.

I grew up thinking I was ruthless. I once thought morality was just one big gray thing I can choose to color black or white depending on what fits me. I thought I’d be okay with doing things which others would consider questionable. I was wrong.

At work, I saw a lot of people do things I could not swallow. It has since bothered and confounded me, how did these people become like these? I believe we all start out pure and innocent (sorry for those who subscribe to Freud’s philosophy, I don’t believe man is innately evil) and for people to suddenly think it’s okay to do things which harm other people…well it’s just something I cannot fathom completely.

Last week , Ruy and I were talking about money and our future. We have a big decision to make next year and we need to prepare for this. Ruy suddenly started becoming thoughtful and told me about an opportunity he had to earn LOTS of money but he couldn’t find it in himself to do it cause it wasn’t technically legal. I say technically cause there are loopholes which could be used to argue his case if he did decide to do it. I loved it when he said “Hindi kaya nang loob ko”, I felt like my insides were bursting with pride.  

I personally don’t want Andrea growing around someone who can do these things. That’s just not the kind of person I want Andrea to become.

My indulgences last year pretty much revolved around 4 things. Andrea, books, food, and road trips with Ruy (which leads to more food, you get the idea!). I didn’t really spend much time or money on myself. Not much clothes, make-up, gadgets…not even trips to the salon (I went 3 times max last year).

This January though, I surprised myself with an impulse buy. I got myself this.

I’m in love with this phone. You know why? Cause it’s so pretty!! I nicked the picture from the Nokia website, I also nicked the specs from that site. Check it out:

Size

• Form: Monoblock with full keyboard
• Dimensions: 114 x 57 x 10 mm
• Weight: 127 g (with battery)
• Volume: 66 cc
• Full keyboard
• High quality QVGA display

Display and 3D

• Size: 2.36″
• Resolution: 320 x 240 pixels (QVGA)
• Up to 16 million colours
• TFT active matrix (QVGA)
• Two customisable home screen modes

Email

• Easy email set-up
• Support for Active Sync for Microsoft Exchange via Mail for Exchange
• Supported protocols: IMAP4, Microsoft ActiveSync, POP3, SMTP
• Support for email attachments
• IMAP IDLE support
• Support for Nokia Intellisync Wireless Email
• Integrated Nokia Mobile VPN

Keys and input methods

• Full keyboard
• Dedicated one-touch keys: Home, calendar, contacts, and email
• Speaker dependent and speaker independent voice dialling
• Intelligent input with auto-completion, auto-correction, auto-punctuation, and learning capability
• Accelerated scrolling with Navi^TMKey
• Notification light in Navi^TMKey

Colours and covers

• Available in-box colours:
  - Grey steel
  - White steel

Connectors

• Micro-USB connector, full-speed
• 2.5 mm Nokia AV connector

Power

• BP-4L 1500 mAh Li-Po standard battery
• Talk time:
  - GSM up to 10 h 30 min
  - WCDMA up to 4 h 30 min
• Standby time:
  - GSM up to 17 days
  - WCDMA up to 20 days
  - WLAN idle up to 166 hours
• Music playback time (maximum): 18 h

Memory

• micro sd card slot, hot swappable, max. 8 GB
• Approximately 110 MB internal dynamic memory

I must admit though, I barely use most of it’s awesome features. I end up using it for solitaire…hehehe. Oh and the camera SUCKS big time.

I consider myself quite young. I know the best years of my life still lie ahead of me but there are times when I just feel…ancient.

This usually happens when I find myself unable to comprehend the behavior of teenagers in public places. I end up muttering “Kids” under my breath while shaking my head…when does this happen? It happens when:

• I see hoardes of young kids being rowdy inside malls.
• When I see teenagers dressed like they’re going to a party when they’re inside the church. And why are they in church? To meet other teens of course!
• Fridays in Eastwood. This is when you see kids, like tiny prepubescent kids who haven’t even developed breasts and hips, dressed in clothes which closely resemble corsets and lingerie more than clothes.

I hate seeming like an old fart who has become so set in her way and ends up judging everything different, but I swear these kids really scare me. I don’t want Andrea turning into something like that. =(

This photo inspired me to work harder and make this dream become a reality. 

I love the thick, dark frames around the doors and the windows. I’m not crazy about the kind of wood used for the cabinets though. What I love most about this is the layout, this layout can definitely be done in a small house.

It’s one of those days when you just want to answer a Blogthings Quiz, so here it goes:

You Are the Leader

You are inspiring and uplifting. You bring out the best in people, through both nurturing and challenging them. You always can see the big picture in life. You are very philosophical and deeply spiritual. You understand people, and you can look at their lives objectively. You can help others grow and heal. People feel comforted by your presence. You help them gain perspective on their lives.

‘Twas a lazy Saturday afternoon. Ruy, Andrea and I just came from a whirlwind of tasks which took up the entire morning. We just arrived home and were preparing our dinner at a leisurely pace.

It was just the 3 of us there. Yaya was out on an errand. Ruy was in the kitchen preparing the meat, I was washing potatoes in the sink and Andrea was running around the sala and her room.

I then felt little arms around my legs, I looked down just as Andrea was tugging my arms. “Yes? What do you want Andrea?” I asked. “Kiss!” she exclaimed.

I bent down and she kissed me. My heart just about melted right there and then.

This little girl has me wrapped around her little fingers and she doesn’t even know it yet…or does she?

Take That Ruy

Huh! Who’s sexy now?