December 2005

Ruy just planned the best gift ever for me. BACKGROUNDER: Every Friday at around 9p.m. there’s a fireworks display here in Eastwood. When it starts I’m the first one to close all the lights, run to the window and jump up and down. I like fireworks, I like new year, I like beatiful colors in the sky…with that being said, let’s go back to Ruy’s gift.

Ruy got reservations for us to go to this place with the best view of the first ever FIREWORKS OLYMPICS!!! Wow!! I’m so excited. Hell, I didn’t even know that there was such an event, grabeh the research and the preparation that he went through for this is amazing. I’m so happy!!

I took a test which will tell you about your personality type. It was eerily accurate! Here is the result.

TYPE 2: HELPER
World View: People depend on my help. I am needed.
Basic Desire: to be loved
Basic Fear: of being unloved

Healthy loop controlled by Basic Desire:

Need to be loved -> help others -> loved -> Need to be loved
In the healthy state, the need to be loved induces Type Twos to help others which causes them to be loved. When Twos feel loved, the need is satisfied and a balance is reached.

In the average state, when Twos’ are not helping others and are not loved, the need to be loved increases, which helps Twos to again reach out and help others. Thus the balancing loop can help Twos to recover.

Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear:

Fear of being unloved -> resent and manipulate others -> loved -> Fear of being unloved
In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being unloved can cause Type Twos to feel resentful and try to manipulate others into loving them. This can cause people to love them even less, which further increases Twos’ basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.

Insight:

We can see from the diagram that a way to help break the control of the basic fear is to weaken the unhealthy loop. Twos can refrain from manipulating others but start to genuinely help others. This will cause Twos to be loved, and thus reduce the fear of being unloved.

The Helper (the Two)
Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people’s needs.

How to Get Along with Me

Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
Share fun times with me.
Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
Let me know that I am important and special to you.
Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
In Intimate Relationships

Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
Reassure me often that you love me.
Tell me I’m attractive and that you’re glad to be seen with me.
What I Like About Being a Two

being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
being generous, caring, and warm
being sensitive to and perceptive about others’ feelings
being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor
What’s Hard About Being a Two

not being able to say no
having low self-esteem
feeling drained from overdoing for others
not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
being upset that others don’t tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings
Twos as Children Often

are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
are outwardly compliant
are popular or try to be popular with other children
act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)
Twos as Parents

are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren’t)
are often playful with their children
wonder: “Am I doing it right?” “Am I giving enough?” “Have I caused irreparable damage?”
can become fiercely protective

Our longest and most difficult tampuhan is finally over. WE’RE OKAY!! I’m so happy, not simply because things are okay, but because I’m so sure that we are going to be better after this. As cliche as it may sound, I truly believe that these fights are giving us tools that we could use in the future.

That being said, I would still rather keep the fights to a minimum. They’re emotionally exhausting!!

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
- pretty much

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
- July 30 (the proposal) and July 1-3 the Discovery Weekend Seminar with Dorothy

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
- Probably that one incident inside Ruy’s car that led to the 2 week fight. But that’s over and we’re okay so no regrets.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
- in the house of Ruy’s lola. I celebrated new year with his family.

5) Who were you with?
- Future in-laws….yeah!

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
- my lola’s house

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
- With my family, I think we’re celebrating New Year together again this year. I hope Ruy can join us if ever, but he probably won’t enjoy our new years (no fireworks)
Did you keep your new years resolution
of 2005?
- i didn’t make any

9) Do you have a new years resolution for
2006?
- i’m getting married this year!

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
- Again, and again, and again, with the same person

11) If yes, with who?
- with myself everytime I looked in the mirror. Hahaha…kidding. Ruy of course

12) If yes, do they know?
- He’d better!

13) Are you still in love with him?
- I’d better be!

14) Do you regret it?
- of course not

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
- nope. we’re still together

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
- Quite a lot. Our office is expanding so rapidly, so many new people

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
- Dorothy, Aaron, Mike, and Vicki!

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
- July definitely!

19) Did you travel outside of the philippines in 2005?
- Oh my goodness! I didn’t! I hate it..

20) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
- none, thank goodness!

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
- my college friends, Pat, Patrick, Loi, Affie, etc…

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
- Must Love Dogs, can’t think of anything else

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
- Ruy’s song for me!!

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
- Emancipation of Mimi

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
- none

28) Did you drink alcohol in 2005?
- but of course! I work in ITI

After several weeks of not buying anything for myself the shopaholic strikes again. This week I bought:

= a pair of shoes
= leather bag
= a pair of pants
= hot hot hot shirt
= office shirt to be worn during Ruy’s family party (I’m pretending to be a nice, decent girl)
= 2 make-up brushes
= gold belt
= 6 eyeshadows
= volume express mascara

What makes this so bad you might ask? I WANT MORE!!! I’m limiting myself to one more pair of pants, one top, and 2 bras. Hey, I should revive my wardrobe before I get married right? Besides I need to look pretty again, I’ve been looking so pangit lately.

I SUCK!! This year my Christmas shopping has been so sporadic so much so that I still don’t know what to give Ruy. I was able to buy gifts for all of Ruy’s inaanaks but I still haven’t finished my list. Here’s my list so far:

MOM = Ipod (haven’t bought yet, I’m trying to get my cousin in law “Lorlyn” to buy it for me in Ireland where it’s cheaper)
Nani = DVD Player (bought this on sale already, she’s currently using it, but now i’m still compelled to buy her more DVD’s…stop it Olivia!)
Abap = Leather Bag (just bought this 5 minutes ago, I liked it so much I bought one for me too…hehehe)
Henna = I HAVE NO IDEA…(damn I don’t know what to give my sister)
Mary = Jacket (Mary’s one of our angels in our house)
Ariane and Welyn = T-shirts (other angels)
Vince and Mark = scooters (these are my inaanaks and nephews, they are so excited about their gift…hehehe)
Tita Lulu and Tito Ollie = Ice Cream Maker (these are Ruy’s parents)
Caspo and Gabby = NONE YET (my last 2 inaanaks)
Carmi = Havaianas (for my bestfriend)
Cyril = Spongebob Toy (for Ruy’s bestfriend)
Quitos = necklace (Ruy’s brother)
Dorothy = marriage book (for her and her fiance)
Mike = santa outfit for his dog
Christine = eyeshadow
Joy = lipgloss
Allan = magic set (he’s my baby during our exchange gift)

Did I miss anyone?

Aaaaaaargh, I hate myself for taking too long to get over this issue with Ruy. It’s been 10 days since the incident. Ruy has apologized profusely, he’s been more than wonderful since that time yet I’m still not okay.

I don’t know why, but the incident is still so fresh in my mind. It’s weird, everytime I remember what he said I feel like a cold bucket of water was poured over my head. Then I feel numb…then I can’t bring myself to say “I Love You”.

Poor Ruy

I was talking or rather whining to my friend Kresta about the expenses of getting married. When she asked the oh-so-important question, “Why are you getting married now? Why not wait a couple more years when you’re satisfied with all your material possessions and you wouldn’t mind spending on the wedding?”

My first reaction was “Do people ever really get satisfied?”, people are essentially greedy (bear with my screwed-up way of thinking, remember I’m a Freudian trained psychologist people) and would end up wanting more and more. If I wait till Ruy and I have bought all the things we want then we’ll never get married.

It only dawned on me now that I am already at that point where I am actually satisfied. When Ruy was asking me what Christmas gift I would want, I told him that no material thing turns me one right now. Nothing excites me (not even make-up!). I told Ruy I would just want to go anywhere far with him, just a quiet trip somewhere…anywhere.

I admit, the enormous responsibility of marriage scares me sometimes. The never ending saving for something, the bills, the taxes, the caring for someone else 24/7. But then, isn’t that so much better than an aimlessly spending, tax-evading, and solitary existence? (yes people I am obsessed with taxes, I pay 32% every month so I have every right to obsess).

I tease my colleague that the only reason why I’m getting married is for tax purposes. That’s not exactly 100% true, I also see marriage as a life-long project. For once in my life, every single thing will be up to me and my husband. The decisions, the triumphs, the mistakes, I can own it all.

I asked Ruy why he wants to get married and this is what he said :

Why not now? Are we sure we’ll be alive then? Are we sure no kind of temptations are going to come and make us commit a stupid relationship-ending misjudgement? Are we certain our loved ones will be there to witness the day of our lives? We’re sure now that we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together and its not like were being impetuous about it since we’ve planned for more than a year.

I think his explanation is better than mine. The next time anyone asks me this question I’m just going to tell them “Talk to Ruy instead.”

“Honey are you pms-ing again?”, this comment really ticked me off a couple of days ago. Is this his oh-so-subtle way of saying that I’m being a bitch? Furthermore, IF I was being a bitch, why should it be automatically blamed on raging hormones? Why doesn’t he ever consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, he really did something wrong which warrants my anger?

Why is it that when I’m upset, people automatically assume that I’m being unreasonable? Being illogical? The last time Ruy and I broke up (this was around 2 years ago)my grandmother asked me “Why? What did you do?”. Can you imagine? The nerve, the audacity of this people! I am not a bitch just because I want to be a bitch, there’s always a reason why I lash out on people.

So what is the reason why I’m being a bitch now?…I’m pms-ing, Ruy’s right again. DAMN IT!

Ruy has chosen the ring design that he wants. I was so happy because it’s the same design that I wanted for him as well. I find the ring so masculine…HOT!

Isn’t it bizarre that the 3 jewelers I talked to all gave me quotes wherein Ruy’s ring would cost more than mine? Ruy deserves the treat, my gown is going to cost so much more than his suit or barong anyway. But he better take good care of it. If he loses it I’ll wring his neck…honestly.

As for my ring, I’m still pretty much undecided. Here are my short-listed designs.

I’m torn between the baguette cut sapphire and the asymmetrical style. Choices, choices!

Meanwhile Ruy and I are just recovering from the biggest fight we’ve ever had! Actually when you think about it, it’s not really a fight. It’s actually just me being very very very upset. Ruy said something very insensitive that I can’t even write here. Honestly I was talking to Carmi and I think that’s possibly the meanest thing that anyone has ever said to me. But then, how can you blame someone for telling the truth?

Things are a bit better now, I cried every night for 4 days. Last night, I didn’t. I still can’t say I love you or I miss you, or anything like that. But I think I’ll get there soon.

Despite this, the wedding preps is still going strong. Ruy has been unbelievably involved. Dorothy (a common friend of ours) said:

Livi, think of it this way. If Ruy didn’t think you were wonderful. Why would he be marrying you? If he really thought there’s something wrong, why would he be rushing to marry you? He can’t wait to make you his, that’s why! And the fact that he got you flowers for the wedding? That’s a sign!How sweet is that? He’s letting you know he can’t wait

What was that about? Well Ruy surprised me with a mock-up of my bridal bouquet last Sunday. He insisted on picking me and my aunt up from 168 and he gave me the bouquet and said something like “Please don’t change your mind about marrying me?”…yeah yeah it’s sweet I know. =)

It’s hard to keep working,
to pretend to be happy,
to make sure no one knows.

It’s hard not to cry.

It’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror,
and see what others see.

This has been the hardest decision ever. Ruy has already allowed me to have an eternity wedding band, but somehow I’m not satisfied with it yet. I went online to try to find some rings that are not so boring.

I am toying with the idea of putting colored stones on my wedding band. So far, none of the wedding bands appeal to me, I wonder if there is a superstition against this? I’m not really superstitious but I’d rather not take chances on my marriage.

Here are other designs that slightly interest me, but honestly nothing excites me. Also, is it important that Ruy and I have the same design?

Oh my God, this is it, the one year mark. Finally people will stop telling me “You’re preparing too early” or “Tagal pa yan, mashado ka namang excited!”.

One year for me is a very short time, after all just a year ago Ruy and I were still fighting about this wedding. I also wasn’t officially engaged, I didn’t have my engagement ring, we had a different wedding date and we weren’t sure about the church.

Now, 365 days after, everything is set and final. It will be in the church Ruy always wanted, on the date I chose.

There are things we still need to accomplish a.s.a.p.

- We need to organize the pamamanhikan soon.
- Ruy needs to be confirmed
- File leaves