In college Fridays were usually about meetings for projects followed by movie dates. When I reached my 20s it turned into work followed by a later dinner mixed with a party here and there. Now, as I approach my 30s my Fridays have changed dramatically.

Today, Ruy picked us up after work and we trooped over to a mini mall near our place. Andrea strolled around the mall as Ruy searched for new DVDs. She squealed in delight as she finally mastered how to operate the giant gum ball dispenser by herself. I looked on proudly, trying not to beam too much.

I was excited when I came across a second-hand book shop filled with lovely children books. We found 4 for Andrea. Her favorite was one shaped like a lunch box. It costs 10 pesos. You can peel off  the sandwiches, juices, apples, cookies. It teaches her how to describe the things she feels. Smooth, soft, sticky. She already made me promise that we’ll have a picnic tomorrow using the things found in her lunch box book. I think that’s 10 pesos well spent.

We headed down to Mc. Donald’s were Andrea ate nothing. She just played in the play place for around an hour or so. It was around 8:30 by then and the play place was practically deserted. Andrea was the queen of the play place. She was initially scared of the tunnel. She tested it out, examined it, looked at it from far away trying to determine which part leads where. When she was satisfied, she went through the tunnels, slides and all, on her own. I couldn’t be more proud. I was proud that she kept trying, despite not being too comfortable and despite being anxious. Ruy and I watched proudly, him drinking a float and me eating my sundae.

Andrea agreed to go home at around a quarter to 10 as long as I promised to read her all 4 books we bought before she sleeps tonight. I agreed. And now my daughter is sleeping soundly, with a small smile on her face. This is my Friday night now and it’s the happiest I’ve been on a Friday.

Mec told me that I should document Andrea’s stories in my blog. So that she’ll see how funny she was when she was a kid. I’ll start that now.

The other day Andrea was playing with my headband when she dropped it and it rolled under my bed. She was upset and wanted to get it right away. I told her it’s too far under our bed for me to reach and we’ll have to use a broom. Andrea looked very confused but just kept quiet. I thought she was satisfied but a few minutes after she went up to me and said: “Mom is the headband going to ride the broomstick”

Wahahaha.

Another things I realized about discipline is how quick we are to label our kids as makulit, malikot, salbahe. A lot of us do this with affection, others with frustration. Not a lot of people know though that kids find a way of living up to their labels. If we label them as malikot (unruly) or salabahe (bad) they will internalize it and act according to your expectations.

Next, kids crave our attention. They feed of it. Think Popeye with his spinach, that’s how kids are with attention. The problem is kids (specially toddlers and preschoolers) seldom differentiate between negative attention and positive attention. This is why making a big fuss of something bad your kid did is not really the best way to extinguish the behavior, if it gets your attention he will do it again and again. So when you want the kid to stop repeating a certain behavior the first thing you need to do is keep calm. If the behavior is not dangerous try to ignore. If nobody pays attention to him, the kid will most likely stop. Remember Attention = Negative Attention = Positive Attention. If ignoring is not an option calmly remove the object that he is fixated on and simply redirect him to a new object. The less fuss from you, the better.

I was playing with my nephew who is known to be difficult and with me he was behaved, obedient and happy.  I was reflecting on this and I was wondering what made him different when he was with me.  I realized several things about discipline during my reflection but the most important is this:

“You can’t effectively discipline a child if you don’t have a relationship with him. — Liv”

When we try to discipline without first establishing a healthy relationship with the child, you are not really training the child you are just scaring him into submission. The most effective discipline I believe blossoms when the teacher truly cares for the child. Kids know when we care for them. The best manifestation of care for kids is attention. FOCUSED ATTENTION.

With my nephew I did the following things. (This is a nephew I see every 3 months or so and have never really interacted with until now)

1. I knelt down so that we were at eye level with each other.

2. I told him I have some toys and I asked him if it’s okay if I play with him.

3.  I gave him a toy box with dozens of toys and observed what toys he likes to play with. I then asked him to instruct me on what to do.

4. I laughed at his jokes and made some jokes myself (this little guy is around 3 so he’s into slapstick things like putting toy spiders on your head etc.)

5. Then I started telling him about how things should be done. For example, I told him not to bang things together and explained to him in a language he understands why we don’t do that. He speaks in Filipino so our conversation went like this:

Liv: Nephew anong mangyayari pag hinampas mo nang malakas sa lapag yung toy?

Nephew: Ano?

Liv: Masisira! Pano na yun? Ano na lalaruin natin?

Nephew: Wala na tayo lalaruin?

Liv: Wala na, eh gusto pa kita kalaro. Dapat dahan dahan tayo maglaro para di masira

And that’s it. It worked!!

6. I gently reminded him when he gets excited and forgets the rules we talked about.

7. I issued warning if he does it again.

I always try to balance challenging Andrea versus forcing her to do things she’s not ready for. She’s shown interest in reading about a year ago and I wasn’t sure if it was time for her to learn and so I was thrilled to come across this Reading Readiness Test online. It tests the various skills needed before a child can read. I must say I was pleasantly surprised with Andrea’s result.

My daughter is now 3 and I must say that these past 3 years have been the most enriching years of my life to date. Having Andrea changed my life in ways I never expected.

I was always the logical and practical one. I was open to working abroad and leaving my family and Ruy. Imagine my surprise when during a 2-week trip to Paris I found myself going crazy with longing and homesickness. It was then when I realized that I have changed more than I cared to admit to myself.

One major change is when it comes to taking care of the home. This is something I never really cared about but now I find myself freaking out when the cheese was not wrapped properly in the box thus leaving parts of it hardened. Or I now double, or even triple, check the gas tanks to make sure they are turned off. I find myself using a dipper and pail when bathing not just because it’s more economical than using a shower but also because I want to try to conserve as much as I can so that Andrea’s generation would have something left for them.

I also found myself more thrifty. This is a combination of motherhood and of course living on one income now. I realized how insanely wasteful I’ve been and I’m almost embarrassed that we used to spend almost double the maids salary every weekend in the past. It’s insane! When I meet up with friends and I have to drink starbucks coffee I find myself nursing my coffee for hours because “If I paid that much for a freaking cup of coffee it better last me a damn long time”. Staying at home also made me realized how much more I pay when we eat outside. One time I was about to order TOCILOG and it was priced at 150 pesos. I was flabbergasted. For that amount I can buy half a kilo of tocino and 6 eggs and some rice. I have no problem buying or ordering things I can’t replicate at home but there’s no way I am paying 150 for freaking tocino.

Over 6 people have told me that their head hurts when they talk to me. I make their head hurt primarily because of the questions I ask. It’s just the way I am.

I came across a question which has been making my head hurt for the past couple of days.

“I lead a small life. Valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder – do I do it because I like it? Or because I haven’t been brave?”

A friend of mine posted this on her FB wall and the emotions it stirred from within me are beyond words.

Growing up I always said that my greates fear is mediocrity. I don’t want to die and say “that’s it? that’s all i accomplished?” I always believed that I was meant to do something special, something great. I never once defined what that great thing was.

I looked at Andrea 2 weeks ago and it dawned on me that she’s the best contribution I have on this earth. I felt at that time that I need not worry about my fear of dying mediocre anymore, I’ve given birth to this amazing human being and there’s no way I can call my life mediocre. This thought left me at peace for a few days…until I came across the post above.

Am I living this small but undoubtedly valuable life because that’s what I’m meant to be living or just because I’m afraid? I really don’t know and not knowing makes me afraid.

I never really talked about it here but for over a year I battled with the idea of having Andrea tested for Asperger’s Syndrome. Asperger simply put is high functioning autism. Here’s something I got online which defines it well:

The essential features of Asperger’s disorder are severe social interaction  and restricted,  patterns of behavior and activities. It is similar to autism, but children with Asperger’s do not have the same difficulties in acquiring language that children with  have.

So essentially they appear normal but the symptoms manifest when you see them in social situation. I have already come to terms with the possibility that Andrea might have Asperger’s syndrome. I figured if anyone can handle a child with asperger it would be me. What confidence huh? I guess when you’re faced with diseases, disorders and other impairments with your kids the only things you can rely on are confidence and faith.

I was so obsessed with this diagnosis. I was consumed by the idea that Andrea might have Asperger’s syndrome. I read everything I could get my hands on and I actually came across a 23-page checklist detailing the symptoms of Asperger’s.  I carefully marked this list in order to make sure that when I talk to the developmental psychologist I would have detailed notes for him.

Luckily, it seems like Andrea never had Asperger’s but just had severe case of stranger anxiety mixed in with a bit of compulsion. School opened her up like you wouldn’t imagine. I am beyond thrilled with her progress and the changes she’s exhibiting in terms of her social skills.

Her social skills fall somewhere in the middle to the lower percentage compared to her other classmates so I guess her teachers might not understand why I’m so thrilled when Andrea wouldn’t talk to other teachers, etc. They don’t realize that in the past she wouldn’t even be in the same room as other teachers….

From the 23-page checklist only 5 indicators remain for Andrea and they all point to her fine-motor skill.

This morning Andrea called me and said “Mommy look at me, I’m in a bad mood”

Andrea: Is Andrea fat?

Liv: No

Andrea: Is mommy fat?

Liv:….ahmmmm Yeah?

Andrea: What is mommy going to do with the fat?

Liv: Ahmmmm exercise?

Andrea: Let’s go mommy, let’s exercise.

….we stood up and stretched together

Andrea: Is mommy still fat?

–0–

Hooooboooy!!  Sige na I’ll exercise and diet na!